LAUGH LINES : Punchlines

In the news: Jay Leno, on President Clinton discussing morals with Baptists in North Carolina: “He said he agreed with 80% of their beliefs. The bad news is that they were talking about the Ten Commandments at the time.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on Clinton speaking against tobacco in North Carolina: “That took a lot of guts. You never criticize someone else’s cash crop. That’s like going to Arkansas and putting down S&L; fraud.”

Comic Jenny Church, on the President wanting federal rules to reduce teens’ access to tobacco: “Why not just put it in textbooks?”

Church, on L.A. County’s bond rating falling from A to Baa: “This serves as a warning to sheepish investors, fearful of being fleeced: Another California county is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.”

*Adds comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “In investment terms, this means the bonds have gone from ‘moderately risky’ to ‘What are you, nuts?’ ”

Cutler Daily Scoop, on Senate funding cuts for the arts: “Before long, the only government involvement in the arts will be the FBI warning on videos.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on accusations that Sen. Bob Packwood French-kissed a teen-age girl: “She knew this guy had to be a politician when she felt a forked tongue in her mouth.”

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Also in the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the Citadel saying it now doesn’t want to admit Shannon Faulkner because she weighs too much: “Faulkner’s lawyers promise to appeal this latest challenge all the way up to Jenny Craig.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on an Iraqi delegation canceling a U.S. trip because we couldn’t guarantee its security in New York: “Security? We can’t even guarantee they’ll get a cab.”

Cutler, on a Deadhead memorial service in Haight-Ashbury for guitarist Jerry Garcia: “Weird crowd. They were already exchanging bootleg copies of his death certificate.”

Leno, on Playmate Anna Nicole Smith, 27, wearing a provocative white dress to the funeral for her multimillionaire husband, 90: “I don’t think she quite understands how funerals work. When she heard that people would be stopping by to look at the body, she apparently thought they meant hers.”

Hamilton, on a new James Bond movie, starring Pierce Brosnan: “Agent 007’s attitude toward women has been updated for ‘90s political correctness. The woman he wants is named Brains Aplenty.”

Reader George Kiseda, on Sen. Bob Dole’s attacks on Hollywood: “Dole says there are no hard feelings. And to prove it, he has invited Kevin Costner to submit a balanced-budget proposal.”

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Reader Harry V. Jaffa’s son was working as a teacher’s aide in Jaffa’s grandson’s first-grade class when he overheard one first-grader ask another: “Do you have to pray before you eat at your house?”

“No,” came the reply. “Mom’s a pretty good cook.”