The Times’ NBA rankings

GOLDMEMBER

1. MIAMI (46-14) Like Dr. Evil, Magic Johnson must boost $1-million offer to LeBron James. (1)

NUMBER 2

2. SAN ANTONIO (48-15) Spurs’ success despite injuries means only Gregg Popovich is indispensable. (2)

3. OKLAHOMA CITY (46-16) Protective cup sales “Serge” nationwide after low blow to Blake Griffin. (3)

4. DENVER (42-22) Kosta Koufos dunk around Blake Griffin is payback for Timofey Mozgov. (5)

5. CLIPPERS (44-20) Hey, Charles Barkley: Matt Barnes is as soft as industrial-grade carpet. (4)

6. MEMPHIS (42-19) Playing power ball even with forwards Zach Randolph, Darrell Arthur out. (6)

7. INDIANA (39-23) Danny Granger hopes next comeback is better than a “Friday the 13th” sequel. (7)

8. NEW YORK (38-22) Sixth man J.R. Smith becomes top option with Carmelo Anthony sidelined. (8)

9. BROOKLYN (37-26) If Mirza Teletovic can swing momentum, you must be playing Bobcats. (9)

10. GOLDEN STATE (35-28) Klay Thompson’s three-ball doesn’t lie, unlike dad about son’s finances. (10)

MR. BIGGLESWORTH

11. ATLANTA (34-28) Josh Smith’s friends save Kobe Bryant dunk clip for future roast. (11)

12. CHICAGO (35-27) Bulls’ season was something out of “Airplane!” even before engine troubles. (12)

13. LAKERS (32-31) Kobe Bryant says he fears bees but certainly not Hornets, Raptors. (15)

14. BOSTON (34-27) Key to game against 76ers was bus driver getting Celtics to arena. (16)

15. HOUSTON (34-30) There’s so little defense here that most trials end in conviction. (14)

16. UTAH (32-31) Tiebreaker against Lakers won’t mean much once Jazz fall out of playoff chase. (13)

17. MILWAUKEE (30-29) Jim Boylan gives thanks daily that Bucks aren’t in Western Conference. (17)

18. PORTLAND (29-32) Adam Morrison may have been upgrade over half of Trail Blazers’ roster. (19)

19. DALLAS (28-33) Dirk Nowitzki could stay off knees rest of season if Mavs keep falling on rear. (18)

20. TORONTO (24-39) DeMar DeRozan was DeMan against Lakers until Kobe Bryant’s heroics. (20)

MINI-ME

21. PHILADELPHIA (23-38) Godot may show up before Andrew Bynum makes his 76ers debut. (22)

22. DETROIT (23-41) If Justin Verlander played for this team his top pitch would be the screwball. (21)

23. MINNESOTA (21-38) Timberwolves plummeted long before Kevin Love took Polar Bear Plunge. (23)

24. NEW ORLEANS (21-42) Lakers loss really was the night the lights went out in the Big Easy. (24)

25. CLEVELAND (21-41) Signing injury-plagued 7-footer Greg Oden could make Cavs a bigger flop. (26)

26. WASHINGTON (20-41) Win-one, lose-one approach is a big improvement for Wizards. (25)

27. PHOENIX (22-41) Suns already a shoo-in for lottery before Marcin Gortat sprains right foot. (27)

28. SACRAMENTO (22-42) Kings are still the best at showing how the West will be yawn. (28)

29. ORLANDO (17-46) Jameer Nelson must concede it’s true that nobody wanted Brian Cook. (29)

RANDOM TASK

30. CHARLOTTE (13-50) No interest in Bobcats for members’ pickup game at El Segundo health club. (30)