This NFL thing is more trouble than it’s worth

PHOENIX -- THERE’S a man with a bullhorn outside preaching to sinners. The guy obviously knows his business because he’s standing outside the NFL headquarters.

Before the NFL arrived here to put on another Super Bowl, this place was just a sleepy little dump.

But now it’s a den of iniquity, the Penthouse Pets and Leather & Lace available for your viewing pleasure, the Arizona Republic beginning everyone’s Saturday morning on the sports pages with a newsy spread on Hugh Hefner & Friends and the question, “How many times a week do you really have sex?”

This would probably be the time to remind the good folks back home that envy is one of the seven deadly sins, and while you might want to be here, anyone with the desire to have a Super Bowl in L.A., or another NFL team in town someday, well, ya got trouble, my friend.

Where do you want to start? Spygate?

Did the Patriots have an unfair advantage in previous Super Bowl wins? Do more tapes surface?

Why do old-time NFL players get the bum’s rush? Do you want Pacman Jones and Michael Vick stopping by on the weekends?

How does Mike Ornstein, linked to Reggie Bush’s woes and pleading guilty to defrauding the NFL out of $350,000, get approved for a Super Bowl media credential?

Do you really want a team in L.A. like the Saints or Jaguars? Personal seat licenses are going for as much as $150,000 in Dallas’ new stadium -- giving fans the right to pay $340 for a ticket to each game. That’s also $340 for each exhibition game.

NFL owners, meanwhile, don’t think they’re making enough money, prompting talk of a work stoppage. There will be 63 commercials in today’s Super Bowl -- every 30 seconds going for $2.7 million.

How about the reluctance to test for human growth hormone because the union chief says his warriors don’t want a finger pricked with a needle? Who will get more air time in the Super Bowl, Ryan Seacrest or Eli Manning?

Rodney Harrison starts off the season suspended for using a banned substance, and has the chance to end the season as Super Bowl MVP. What a great game.

Take every day here this week, and it was the gospel as delivered by Bill Belichick, or as the Boston Herald put it in huge letters on the front page of the paper: “In Bill We Trust.”

So how many wannabe junior high school coaches out there are going to cheat now, or go through life acting as if someone just spilled grape juice on their playbook? Do you want a hoodie living in your neighborhood?

You don’t think the NFL packs influence? A year ago Prince performed at halftime of the Super Bowl and sales of his albums doubled. The folks in Nebraska listening to the game on their transistor radios had no idea Prince Charles could sing like that.

Fortunately, the kids of America will have an alternative today if not interested in Belichick -- looking across the field into the growling mug of Tom Coughlin, who will be having the time of his life at the Super Bowl.

Or, as Jerry Magee from the San Diego Union-Tribune put it to Coughlin the other day, “Tom, can you say the word ‘fun’ for me?”

“OK, Jerry,” Coughlin said. “Fun. Next question.”

LOS ANGELES is better off without the NFL.

You have no idea what an ordeal it’s going to be, or how much it’s going to cost when the NFL fixes its sights on L.A.

It will be so expensive to attend a game, most of you will never go. You will have a better chance of running into a drunk NFL player on the freeway than getting an autograph.

When Commissioner Roger Goodell was asked during his annual Super Bowl address what the NFL’s plan for L.A. is this year, Goodell used 231 words to say nothing.

The NFL is perfect entertainment fare on TV, so let’s keep it there -- where it can be turned on or off.

The Super Bowl, of course, will dominate today, a combination of possible Patriots perfection, clever commercials and a chance for people to bet on the outcome.

Robert Walker, the sports book director for MGM Mirage, said the Patriots are two-point favorites to score more than Kobe Bryant against the Wizards. You don’t need a football team in L.A. to make that bet.

Walker, a regular donor to Mattel Children’s Hospital because he can’t pick more winners than Page 2 to start the NCAA basketball tournament, says if he were down to his last $10, he’d have the Patriots winning by more than the 12-point spread.

“Of course any one following my picks went two for eight in the playoffs,” Walker said, “and has already lost their last $10.”

NO ONE is challenging the NFL’s entertainment grip on fans, but as fat and sassy as it has become, the closer you get -- the warts begin to show.

Take New Orleans and Katrina, the NFL saying all the right things at the time, but now taking one of the Saints’ regular-season home games to London. So much for New Orleans’ continued need of support.

Why New Orleans? The NFL doesn’t think the area has enough big-time money, some day probably moving every one of the Saints’ games elsewhere.

Now how would you feel about getting the Saints?

I know what a man with a bullhorn would call it.

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Marilyn Shively:

“I believe you’re jealous of Barbaro. He was better looking, smarter, more famous and much richer. He was courageous, something you wouldn’t know anything about. When Barbaro died, thousands mourned. When you die, no one outside of your family and a few friends will note your passing or much care. You will not be described as heroic, intelligent or courageous. There will be no statues to honor you or mark your grave. It will be as though you were never here. I guess I don’t blame you for being jealous.”

Tell me Barbaro isn’t jealous too. I made it to the breeding shed.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.