The wit of the Brits

No one cracks wise like the Brits, and they were in fine form Monday night. Backstage, even Helen Mirren told a naughty joke: You can tell if an Essex girl’s had good sex, she said -- she “drops her fries.” And if Mirren wins an Oscar for her performance in “The Queen”? “I’ll definitely drop my fries then.”

JEREMY IRONS

“Why is it that the jobs that are the most fun are the ones that give you the awards? It’s like you don’t deserve them. I was up against a [gob] of people ... I’m supporting Helen ... [I] sat down on the read-through and I put my elbow on Helen’s thigh and we had the relationship.”

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HUGH LAURIE

“I am speechless.... It seems odd that people are falling over themselves to send you free shoes, cufflinks and colonic irrigations, [but] nobody offers you a free acceptance speech.... I would love to be able to pull out a speech by Dolce & Gabbana.”