A Year of Giving Us the Business

For those who might have forgotten, one of the most important tasks before us as a nation is to create a more friendly business environment. Less government regulation means more entrepreneurial freedom, and everybody wins.

That’s why President Bush is determined not to let the fate of a few animal species get in the way of unfettered development, drilling and mining. And that’s why Gov. Schwarzenegger is more than happy to be a trusty water boy for the state Chamber of Commerce and all its special interests.

In light of this, I’d like to proceed with my second annual review of ethics in the business world, pulling actual 2004 headlines straight from the pages of your Los Angeles Times.

Northrop Lied to U.S.,

Papers Say

I don’t believe it. I mean, do you really believe the Northrop Grumman Corp. would lie to the Air Force to cover up problems with a radar-jamming system?

I checked the story to prove it couldn’t be true.

“We lied our teeth off,” a manager said, according to unsealed documents.

I still don’t buy it. Let’s move on to another headline.

Ex-Employee Tells of

Lies at Adelphia

Wait a minute, I’ve got Adelphia cable. There must be some mistake.

Jury Convicts 2 in

Adelphia Fraud Case

Founder John Rigas and his son Timothy are found guilty of looting the cable TV firm.

No wonder my bill is so high.

MCI to Settle Claims of

Excessive Charges

The phone company will pay $27 million.

Hey, that’s my wife’s phone company.

Ex-Verizon Worker Is

Indicted on Fraud

Hey, that’s my cellphone company.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Vatican Official Is Fined

for Helping Swindler

Oh, come on. The leaders of the Catholic Church wouldn’t protect lawbreakers, would they?

Sandra Bullock Sought

Advice of Tax Scammer

The actor briefly weighed the prospect of buying an offshore bank, her lawyer says.

Maybe she was just researching a role.

Newsday, Hoy Overstated

Circulation; Exec Put on Leave

Wait a minute, they are run by the company that owns The Times. These guys wouldn’t lie, would they?

Newsday Estimate Off

by 20%, Audit Shows

An honest mistake, I’m sure.

Hoy Circulation Overstated

by 43,000

You see what happens when we don’t have a friendlier business environment?

Macy’s to Pay $1.7 Million

Shoppers were routinely overcharged for merchandise, the district attorney’s office says.

That does it. I’m shopping at Wal-Mart from now on.

Wal-Mart Must Face

Huge Sex-Bias Suit

Does this mean a six-pack of tube sox made in an Asian sweatshop could go up to $2.98?

FDA Warns of

Celebrex Heart Risk

I’m sure if the drug could cause heart attacks, the company would yank it off the market immediately.

Pfizer Defends Painkiller

Despite Federal Warning

The company says it will keep Celebrex on the market but stop advertising the drug.

All right, so the bad news is that you can still have a heart attack. But with no advertising, the good news is that the price of the prescription might go down.

Early Vioxx Alarms Alleged

Long before the drug was removed, risks were known to Merck and the FDA.

No way. The FDA wouldn’t knowingly expose the public to a health risk, would it?

Report: Bayer Held Back

on Drug Dangers

FDA is criticized.

How in God’s name does the pharmaceutical industry get away with this sort of thing?

Congressman’s New Job

Is Top Drug Lobbyist

Oh.

Tenet Settles Suits

Over Cardiac Care

The hospital chain will pay $395 million to patients who had allegedly unnecessary procedures.

Hey, mistakes happen. That’s why we need to put an end to frivolous lawsuits and start placing our trust in the healthcare industry.

HealthSouth Says Fraud

Is Greater Than Expected

Bogus accounting entries could reach $4.6 billion.

All they need is some solid investment counseling.

Citigroup Division Is Fined Over Investor Advice

There’s a bad apple in every bunch. But you’ve got to figure that most investment companies are smarter about putting their best foot forward.

It Depends on What You Mean by Wrongdoing

Securities regulator hits Franklin Resources with new charges, saying it’s shading the facts.

Depends on what you mean by facts.

I didn’t even know Bill Clinton was on Franklin’s board of directors.

Wall Street Tax Shelters

in Focus

A witness tells a Senate panel that investment banks hide billions of dollars in income.

So who can blame Sandra Bullock?

Scandals Keep Many

Wary of Wall Street

Lingering distrust in the financial system could hurt Bush in the presidential campaign.

Any other predictions?

Ex-CEO of Rite Aid Gets Eight-Year Prison Term

Could have been worse.

Parmalat Staffer Dies

in Plunge From Bridge

See what I mean?

Jury Indicts Lay, Former Head of Enron

Where was that bridge?

Ex-CEO of WorldCom

Indicted

It happens.

Ex-Tyco Director Tells of

a $20-Million Secret Fee

Yeah, but it was for the Christmas party at the orphanage.

Edison Says 36

Involved in Fraud

Always with the negative news. The real story is that hundreds of Edison employees might not have been involved in fraud.

FBI Shift Crimps

White-Collar Crime Probes

With more agents moved to anti-terrorism duty, corporate fraud cases are routinely put on hold.

As it should be. And it’s never too soon to start another war, you know.

California Firms Pay

Nothing, Get Plenty

California is awarding millions to companies that paid no income tax.

Now we’re on the right track.

As for any business executives who get into trouble in the new year, my advice is that you keep your chin up and make campaign donations to every politician calling for a friendlier business environment. If by some miracle you still have to go away for a while, don’t forget the most inspirational headline of 2004:

Martha Stewart Gets

5 Months in Prison, Then

Delivers a Plug for Her Firm

My thanks to research assistant Vicki Gallay.