One Issue in the Secession Debate That Has a Relatively Simple Solution

Who gets the Hollywood sign if Tinseltown secedes from L.A.? Some Hollywoodites want it turned over to them. But L.A. City Councilman Tom LaBonge says it’s in Griffith Park--L.A., not Hollywood--and vows he won’t surrender the landmark.

OK, everybody, settle down. This column has come up with a simple solution: a little addition to the nine letters (see photo illustration).

And I’m not even charging for the advice, though I will insist on sharing future marketing revenues produced by the sign.

What is L.A., anyway? I’ve long harbored the suspicion that two or three people write all the movies in Hollywood, as these bits of dialogue would seem to indicate:

* “This isn’t America, Jack. This is L.A.” (a cop in “Mulholland Falls,” a movie set in the ‘50s)

* “We do not arrest the wrong person. That’s L.A.” (Pasadena cop in “The Player”)

* “You may have escaped New York, but this is L.A.” (“Escape from L.A.”)

* “You can’t hitchhike. This is L.A.” (“White Men Can’t Jump”)

* “So this is L.A. Everything looks the same.” (“Mighty Joe Young”)

* “This is not Los Angeles.” (a male teacher in a small Indiana town, horrified about being kissed on the lips by a male reporter, in “In & Out”)

* “Where do you think you are? L.A.?” (George Raft, to a Montreal gangster in “A Bullet for Joey”)

The gangster didn’t kiss Raft, by the way.

Raft noticed he was packing a gun.

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Ecaping L.A.: While doing research for a children’s book on the Wilderness Road, Carl Green visited a historic site in Kentucky. And he spotted a sign above the restroom that led him to believe the site is frequently visited by schoolkids (see photo). Below the “Men” sign there was another notice that said: “GET YOUR COONSKIN CAPS HERE.” Green says he didn’t find any in there, though some were available in the adjacent gift shop.

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Relax--it’s just the Bowser family again: The police log of my second-favorite L.A. newspaper, the Los Alamitos News-Enterprise, contained this item: “What was thought to be a couple shouting at each other were some dogs fighting in the backyard.”

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That wasn’t part of the property settlement: The News-Enterprise also reported that a woman suspected that her ex-husband “swiped some food off her barbecue after he was seen in the area.”

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Where to, Mack? I discussed L.A.’s bandit taxis and the ways their owners dress them up so that they appear legal. One tip-off that they are unlicensed, however, is the lack of a city seal on the side. And some have misspellings; I saw one that called itself a “Taxy” (especially painful to see around April 15).

Anyway, reader R. Baker spotted another bandit cab that had a subtle touch. It posted a phone number (853-1212) that is actually the number you call for the time. Guess that driver didn’t want to put out his real number for law enforcement types to jot down.

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miscelLAny: The International Carwash Assn. has given the 2002 Toyota Camry the title of “The Most Washable Car,” based on its “aerodynamic lines.” Now perhaps my wife will understand why my Honda Accord always looks so dirty.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, and by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012.