Draftniks Are Way Beyond Hopeless

They sit with their noses pressed against their computer screens, their thumbs immersed in media guides, their thoughts filled with a whirlwind of obscure numbers.

They are the obsessive followers of the NFL draft, known as draftniks, and this is their big week leading up to Saturday’s opening selections.

“Do you know any draftniks?” writes Bob Sansevere in the St. Paul Pioneer-Press. “Maybe you’re in an intimate relationship with one. You’ll know it if they a.) care more about Ashley Lelie’s vital statistics than yours, b.) would rather work on their mock draft than spend time with you, c.) yell out Mel Kiper’s name in the middle of the night, or d.) all of the above.

“If you don’t know who Ashley Lelie [Hawaii receiver] or Mel Kiper [analyst] are, good for you. It means you have a life.”

Trivia time: Who was the first player selected by Dallas owner Jerry Jones in his first draft with the Cowboys?

This is his life: With his team having fallen on hard times, Jones has the sixth pick in the draft, and he is bursting with excitement.

“Put me in coach, I’m hot,” he told Randy Galloway of the Ft. Worth Star-Telegram.

“I know, I just know we are going to do well.... I’m not nervous because I feel this is the most prepared we’ve been in years for a draft.... But I’m on the edge of my seat. I’m excited. We really have the ammo available to us this time.”

Sounds like a draftnik with money.

Also exposed to a draft: The changes in Cowboy personnel won’t stop at the sidelines. The organization is also planning new additions to the roster of its famed cheerleader squad.

The Cowboys have employed the services of Options, a talent search firm, to conduct a nationwide hunt for new cheerleaders.

“We would like a more diverse cross-section of American women,” Kelli Finglass, Cowboy cheerleading director, told the Tampa Tribune.

“There is a lot of great talent in places that don’t have NFL teams,” said Erin Cameron of Options. “There is no height or weight criteria. We’re looking at the person as a whole.”

Uh-huh. Sure they are.

Bad look: With the announcement by the Houston Rockets that they will have new uniforms next season, sportswriter Jonathan Feigen expresses his fondest hope in the Houston Chronicle:

“That the Rockets will never again be as stubborn as they were in forcing the league’s most hideous get-ups on the players and fans of what was then a championship team. The Rockets’ uniforms were, from the start, obviously amateurish and garish. They should have been burned years ago, long before they became ... out of date ...

“If the move to the stripes was the start of a downward cycle, the Rockets can hope something beautiful could emerge from exorcising their curse. If not, at least they can look better.”

Trivia answer: Quarterback Troy Aikman of UCLA in 1989.

And finally: Bud Geracie in the San Jose Mercury News: “Cleveland GM Mark Shapiro said Chuck Finley is experiencing ‘the regular ups and downs people go through in their personal lives,’ and who among us hasn’t been pounded with a high-heel shoe by a beauty queen who used to be married to a rock star?”