And Tito Wonders, ‘But Where Are the Stewardesses?’

Things aren’t going too smoothly aboard the International Space Station, where tycoon Dennis Tito recently forked over $20 million to become the world’s first “space tourist.”

Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at his voyage with two Russian cosmonauts:

April 29, 1 p.m.

Two hours after liftoff, Tito begins asking cosmonaut commander Talgat Musabayev, “Are we there yet?” Later, he accosts “flight attendant” Yuri Baturin and asks why there’s no in-flight movie: “I was really hoping to see ‘Dude, Where’s My Car?’ ” he says.

April 29, 9 p.m.

At bedtime, Tito complains about the lack of a mint on his pillow. “For $20 million, I should have a freakin’ mint on my pillow,” he bellows.

April 30, 4 p.m.

Experiencing zero gravity for the first time, Tito tells ground control: “I’m floating in a most peculiar way, and the stars look very different today. For here am I sitting in a tin can, far above the world. Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing I can do.”

May 1, 9 a.m.

After docking at the space station, Tito radios mission control near Moscow to order room service. For a nominal fee--$12.7 million--Russia subsequently launches a rocket carrying fresh-squeezed orange juice, scrambled eggs and fruit. Later, Russian space agency officials insist their decision to include Tito on the mission “was not about the money,” although they admit the spacecraft has been modified to include a gift shop that sells such trinkets as $100,000 postcards (“The weather is 248 degrees and there’s no oxygen; wish you were here!”) and $350,000 bumper stickers (“My other car is a Soyuz space capsule”).

May 1, 11 p.m.

Defying the objections of NASA officials who deemed him unqualified for space travel, Tito enters the American sector of the space station. “What’s this button for?” he asks while pushing a green switch, activating retro burners. The craft promptly bumps into an ESPN satellite, causing it to broadcast nothing but Croatian badminton games 24 hours a day.

May 2, 9 a.m.

ESPN customers file a class-action lawsuit against NASA.

May 3, noon

The cosmonauts become increasingly testy as Tito repeatedly pinches their shoulders with his “Vulcan death grip” and urges them to “set phasers to FUN!”

May 4, 5 p.m.

Tito’s $20-million check clears in Moscow.

May 4, 5:01 p.m.

Cosmonauts send Tito on a “vodka and cigarettes run” aboard the space station’s escape module.

May 4, 5:15 p.m.

The escape craft “inexplicably” goes off course and heads into deep space. Mission control radios Tito: “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!”

May 4, 6 p.m.

NASA reverses its opposition to space tourism involving annoying millionaires; announces plan to send Donald Trump into orbit.