A Few Coors Lights Might Blur the Truth

It was about 8:45 Thursday morning when I walked into the Hermosa Beach Police Department with two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a 12-pack of Coors Light.

In college, that was a typical breakfast. But in this case, I was conducting a scientific experiment to determine how many beers a man has to drink before he’s legally hammered.

Roger Clinton, the ex-president’s half brother, went on “Larry King Live” last week to talk about his legal problems, which include but are not limited to a DUI arrest in Hermosa.

Clinton, who lives in Torrance and plays in a band, denied selling presidential pardons to friends. He also denied he was driving under the influence in Hermosa on Feb. 21 even though he flunked three blood-alcohol tests after being stopped for driving erratically.

“I had had about two beers,” he told Larry King. “Two Coors Lights.”

My first thought when anybody in trouble appears on Larry King is that they are guilty as sin, because no matter what you’ve been accused of, you know Larry will keep it cordial.

Had Mussolini been a guest, King would have asked a question or two about the fascista thing, Mussolini’s attorney would have cut him off, and after a commercial break and a call from Idaho, King would have asked Mussolini if the balsamic craze was just a fad.

Sgt. Paul Wolcott greeted me at the station house in Hermosa. At precisely 9 a.m., as Wolcott and Sgt. Tom Thompson looked on, I cracked open my first beer and bit into a glazed doughnut.

It felt kind of like a hillbilly picnic, but that was apropos. The Clinton clan did not grow up in Paris.

By a lucky coincidence, Roger Clinton and I each go about 205 pounds, so our alcohol tolerance might well be about the same. Our taste in refreshment is not, however. I’d have had him locked up for his choice of beer alone.

Around 9:45, I’d slugged back my second can, and it was time for my test.

At exactly 10 a.m., I blew into the same device Roger Clinton had used. You’re under the influence if you blow a 0.08%, Wolcott says, and Clinton ran up a 0.10 on his first try.

Mine came up 0.01.

Geez, this Roger Clinton is no Billy Carter. Two wimpy Coors Lights and he’s in the tank, with 10 times the damage those same 24 ounces did to me. Unless, of course, he didn’t tell Larry King the truth.

“Keep drinking,” Sgt. Thompson said.

I had my third beer by 10:15, my fourth by 10:30. And a couple more doughnuts too. They gave me my own desk to drink at, and Wolcott did some paperwork in the corner under a movie poster of John Wayne in “The Sands of Iwo Jima.”

At one point, they took me outside for the field sobriety test that Roger Clinton flunked, calling it a “Jane Fonda” workout on Larry King. Touch your nose, walk a line. That kind of thing.

I passed like a champ.

“How do you feel?” Wolcott asked.

“Great,” I said. “I just can’t believe I’m getting paid to do this.”

While sipping my beer, I perused The Times and noticed that Roger Clinton was on Page 1 again. Reporter Richard Serrano’s story said congressional investigators have evidence suggesting Clinton might have pocketed $50,000 for trying to arrange clemency for a convicted heroin dealer from New Jersey.

The dealer is related to the Gambino crime family, so let me state publicly that nothing personal is meant by this little beer-and-doughnut social.

Investigators also claim to have found “a couple hundred grand” in travelers checks cashed by Clinton, which can only mean that his band is doing really, really well.

Mark Geragos, Clinton’s attorney, assured me there was no truth to any of the pardon-peddling allegations. As for the DUI, he claims without explanation that the blood-alcohol tests were inaccurate, and that Hermosa police had no probable cause to arrest Clinton. They did so, he says, as a matter of “political profiling.”

You might say it was a strain of political profiling that led to pardons for 47 people, including Roger Clinton, as one of President Clinton’s last acts in office. Roger had a 1985 conviction for cocaine distribution wiped from his slate.

While I chugged beer, Wolcott reviewed the police report, and it seems that although Roger told a national television audience he’d had only two beers, he told Hermosa cops he’d had four or five.

“Go ahead and have five and we’ll test you again,” Wolcott told me.

The fifth went down like water. I took a deep breath and blew a 0.04.

Five Coors Lights and I’m only halfway to jail.

When they brought Clinton into the station, they gave him two more tests on a more reliable machine.

He blew a 0.08 the first time, a 0.09 the second.

Kind of ironic that in 1998, President Clinton campaigned for lowering the legal limit to 0.08 in all 50 states, saying:

“To people who disregard the lethal threat they pose . . . lowering the legal limit will send a strong message that our nation will not tolerate irresponsible acts that endanger our children and our nation.”

I can’t remember the last time I drank before lunch, but in Hermosa, I dusted a six-pack by 11:15 and they hooked me up to the same machine where Clinton blew his 0.08 and 0.09.

My first shot was 0.05, the second was 0.06.

Reality TV is all the rage, and I think we’ve got a concept here.

Roger and me, a keg and a Breathalyzer.

Have your people talk to mine, Larry.

Steve Lopez can be reached at [email protected].