LAUGH LINES

Telling It All: “Mayor Giuliani’s office made it public that the mayor is impotent. Don’t you love politicians nowadays? They’ll tell you they’re impotent; they’ll tell you they’re sex addicts; I’m an alcoholic; I’ve smoked dope; I use crack. . . . But you ask them, ‘What’s your position on campaign finance reform?’ [And they answer:] ‘I don’t feel it’s appropriate to go into that right now. . . . I would rather hold back on my opinion on that.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Three’s a Crowd: “A judge has barred Giuliani’s girlfriend from being in the same house as [his] wife. So I’m thinking: The only hope this guy has now is to become president.” (David Letterman)

Between the Signs: “President Bush was the commencement speaker at Yale University and 170 professors signed a letter of protest. When asked about it, the president said: ‘That’s nothing. When I graduated, 300 professors signed a letter of protest.’ ” (Conan O’Brien)

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