LAUGH LINES

Heating Up: “According to the new polls, Al Gore and George Bush are locked in a dead heat. Hillary Clinton and Rick Lazio--locked in a dead heat. And President Clinton? Well, he’s just in heat.” (David Letterman)

Clean Bill of Health: “The New York Post reports [Kelly Wiglesworth], the second-place ‘Survivor,’ confided to Bryant Gumbel that she came home with intestinal parasites after leaving the . . . island. [She] is now reportedly on antibiotics and has rid herself of the parasites--but enough about the other ‘Survivor’ cast members.” (Mark Wheeler)

Travel Companion: “Atty. Gen. Janet Reno accompanied President Clinton on his trip to Colombia. It’s a security precaution. If we’ve learned anything in [recent] years, it’s that nobody protects Clinton like Reno.” (Argus Hamilton)

What’s in a Name?: “Kelly Wiglesworth’s employers, Whitewater Voyages, have launched a Web campaign to get Kelly the $900,000 she lost [on ‘Survivor’]. They are asking . . . fans to send Kelly $1, or $1 to your favorite charity in her name. . . . How ironic. We send money using Kelly’s name while Kelly’s [wanted on suspicion of] spending money using somebody else’s name.” (Daily Scoop)

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