LAUGH LINES

The High and Mighty: “Switzerland says it’s planning on legalizing marijuana. Have you ever looked at the Swiss? They have cuckoo clocks. They have cheese with big holes in it . . . and guys yodeling. I think these people are on drugs already!” (Jay Leno)

It’s a Scary Thought: “Regis Philbin is turning out to be one of the year’s hottest Halloween costumes. But he’ll never be scarier than Kathie Lee Gifford.” (Daily Scoop)

Battle of the IQs: “George W. Bush campaigned . . . in Arkansas [recently]. For 20 years, people in Arkansas had to live under the thumb of a smooth-talking governor with a genius IQ. It’s time they found out how the other half lives.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Makings of a President: “The new ‘Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth’ just came out: About 92% of the teenagers surveyed lied to their parents, roughly 78% lied to a teacher and more than 25% lied to get a job. So, it looks like the phrase, ‘Anyone can grow up to be president’ is still alive and well in our fine country.” (R.J. Johnson)

Kiss Up: “According to a survey by Marie Claire magazine, 62% of women say they’d rather kiss Al Gore than George W. Bush. . . . Well, sure. See, after women kiss Al Gore, . . . you can sit down and discuss makeup tips with him.” (Leno)

All for Unity: “Al Gore and George W. Bush held their third and final debate [Oct. 17] in St. Louis. The debate was much more lively than the previous two. Bush kept saying he brings people together. . . . But so does a disaster.” (Daily Scoop)

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