LAUGH LINES

Short-Sheeted: “John Rocker admitted to ESPN that he’s a redneck but denied being a racist. There’s an important difference. A redneck likes to get three sheets to the wind, while a racist likes to wear three sheets if it’s windy.” (Argus Hamilton)

That’s Not All, Folks: “America Online and Time Warner plan to merge. That’s all we need: more Looney Tunes on the Internet.” (Gary Greenfield)

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Chris Pina’s

Essential Daily List

What Could Happen When Elian Goes Back to Cuba

* Gets own sitcom with wacky redhead.

* Must make up six weeks of back Marxism homework.

* Repeatedly asked to explain Pokemon craze.

* Set up with condo overlooking Bay of Pigs.

* Confirms rumor that there’s this thing called rock ‘n’ roll.

* Long walks on the beach with Fidel.

* Has to return all cool U.S. crap.

* Must turn his baseball cap to the forward position.

* Satellite-transmitted debate with George W. Bush.

* New spokesman for Jenny Craig.

* So grounded.

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, CA 90053.