LAUGH LINES

Gotta Have It: “Film director Spike Lee will star in a TV ad supporting Democratic presidential contender Bill Bradley. The commercial will be titled ‘Do the Left Thing.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Current Event: “George W. Bush . . . [is] calling himself a compassionate conservative. I don’t know what the compassionate part is exactly. I mean, he’s fried so many prisoners in Texas, instead of calling him the governor, they should call him the colonel.” (Jay Leno)

The Size of Their Toys: “I saw another one of these stupid stretch [Lincoln] Navigators. Have you seen these things? These sport utility vehicles? As if they are not big enough. Now they stretch them out like . . . 32 feet long. Why? Who is this for? Pimps who want to take their hookers camping?” (Leno)

Slice of Pie: “Have you heard Madonna’s version of Don McLean’s ‘American Pie’? McLean is rolling in his grave--and he isn’t even dead yet.” (Alex Kaseberg)

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Chris Pina’s Essential Daily List

Disadvantages of Being a Circus Clown

* Have to pick up dates in that really small fire engine.

* Can’t find a pair of size 28 checkered shoes anywhere.

* Constantly mistaken for Angelyne.

* Never taken seriously for jury duty.

* Can’t get a table at the Ivy.

* Clothes just hang off you.

* Way too curious about women’s lipstick.

* Reform Party keeps hounding you to run.

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