Spotted: A Dalmatian With Decorum

A reader in San Francisco writes:

Unfortunately your friend Mr. Schmuck is the epitome of both definitions of “schmuck.”

I am a very well behaved Dalmatian, having been trained as a puppy. Something Mr. Schmuck obviously never thought of doing for his dog.

The Schmucks would have problems with any dog! Love & Licks,

Buddy Ray

Or perhaps Buddy Kay. This canine’s ghostwriter makes Ks that look like Rs or Rs that look like Ks. Her first name, clearly, is Alice and if there isn’t a Dalmatian Anti-Defamation League (DADL) already out there somewhere, she might start one.

If you think the prose is precious, you should see the stationery. Across the bottom is a smiling Dal in sunglasses, lounging in a hammock strung between two fire hydrants. The sky is blue except in the margins, where it is oddly polluted with those familiar black spots.

Some readers may recall the cautionary tale that prompted this verbal mauling of my dear friends, the Schmucks. With the holidays approaching, I simply performed the public service of warning the people who might be tempted by “101 Dalmatians” to run out and buy just one for their kids.

Before Disney realized that a live-action version of the old animated film would make a ton at the box office and move even more stuffed doggies, the Schmucks, blissfully unaware of the breed’s reputation for difficulty, bought a puppy and named her Bingo. She grew into a big and lovable but horribly behaved beast.

She jumps on tables and counters and loves to chew. The fact that she has eaten a baseball bat, they say, isn’t as troubling as the fact that she’s started to eat the back deck. My friend Schmuck--we go so far back our dads were pals before they met our moms--told me that Bingo, in just two years, has cost the household thousands in veterinary bills, a new fence and the repair or replacement of damaged property.

Apprised of the insults out of San Francisco, Schmuck noted that Bingo has run up hundreds of dollars worth of obedience school bills.

“That dog’s had more training than you could shake a stick at,” he says. “And she’d still eat the stick.”

***

The Bingo Schmuck story inspired other reactions from readers who expressed surprise or offered insight about the name Schmuck and the word schmuck.

A casual etymologist pointed out that schmuck isn’t just American slang for “an obnoxious or contemptible person” (Random House Unabridged) that has roots in a Yiddish vulgarity for, well, penis. In German, she pointed out, schmuck means jewel or jewelry.

She offered the theory that the Yiddish term, therefore, was originally a euphemism adapted from German. You know, “family jewels” and all that. Sounds plausible to me.

My friend Schmuck, incidentally, is indeed of German stock, as are no doubt the various Schmucks scattered about America. Schmuck insists that the name isn’t as uncommon as most people assume, though it has certainly inspired many people to change their names.

Still, a North Hollywood woman--I wish I could find her letter--was so surprised by the moniker that she wondered if my friend might be the same Schmuck her uncle knew years ago.

Probably not. But perhaps it was my friend’s late father.

If you’re reading this, ask your uncle if the Schmuck he knew was an officer in the Marine Corps. That should help pin it down.

To narrow the possibilities even further, allow me to point out that, toward the end of his career, he was properly addressed as Major Schmuck.

***

A few other readers were moved to inquire about the recent publication of the book “How Will They Know if I’m Dead?”

That is Bob Horn’s wryly titled autobiographical guide to life with a devastating illness. Horn is a former Cal State Northridge professor who was stricken with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) and robbed of the ability to eat, communicate or even breathe independently. Slight movement in his leg has enabled him to continue to write with a specially rigged computer mouse and special software.

A Tarzana woman whose husband has ALS was among those interested in purchasing Bob Horn’s book. Copies are on sale at the Barnes & Noble bookstore in Northridge. They can be ordered at most bookstores or directly from St. Lucie Press at 100 E. Linton Blvd. Suite 403-B, Del Ray Beach, FL 33483. St. Lucie Press’ phone number is (407) 274-9906. The cost is $12.95.

Others who may be curious about Horn can also visit the Web site created for him by former students. The cyber-address is: https://members.aol.com/uma01/Saga/Saga.home.html

***

Buried elsewhere on my desk are more letters from my expanding personal gun lobby, all commenting on a recent column concerning the armed robbery of a Northridge liquor store I witnessed as a customer. Don’t think I’m ignoring you; your concerns will be addressed in due course.

Soon, incidentally, I’ll finally have a new e-mail address of my own. This should help me fulfill my (annual) new year’s resolution to get at least semiorganized and be a much better scout about responding to reader correspondence.

Promises, promises. . . .

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth 91311. Please include a phone number.