Punch Lines

Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl: Queen Elizabeth plans to knight ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, making him Sir Paul:

* “The queen cited his ‘services to music . . . with the notable exception of ‘Silly Love Songs.’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “He’ll be a Knight of the Turntable*.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

* “Told of the honor, McCartney replied, ‘It’s been a hard day’s knighthood.’ ”

* “In response to the news, teenage music fans all over the world said, ‘Who?’ ” (B. Kallen)

*

In the news: Southern California has overtaken Miami as the money-laundering capital of the United States. Says Johnny Robish, “Local bankers say we never could have achieved that without recent bank mergers.”

The airline industry will see a $4-billion profit from 1996. Says Alan Ray, “Most companies will pass the good economic news on to passengers. Travelers can expect an extra bag of peanuts.”

In Malaysia, a chef is charging $15,000 for a dinner featuring a frozen shellfish that has been extinct for 20 years. Says Steve Voldseth, “You know, last night I was at a 7-Eleven, and I saw the same dinner for half that.”

A report says half the people in China don’t brush their teeth. Says Ray, “What’s the most feared weapon in China’s arsenal? Mistletoe.”

Philippine President Fidel Ramos says he’ll auction off the lump of cholesterol surgeons scraped off his neck last week. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “One potential buyer said, ‘This will go great with the colon polyp I won last year in a raffle.’ ”

Former rap sensation Vanilla Ice performed one show this week at a Dallas nightclub. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Ice performed a three-hour medley of his hit while busing tables.”

The International Clown Hall of Fame is moving from Delavan, Wis., to Milwaukee. Says Premiere, “Oddly enough, all 271 employees are expected to arrive in one very small car.”

The Beavis and Butt-head movie marked the biggest December opening in Hollywood history. Says Argus Hamilton, “Young people love those animated morons. America looks ripe for Quayle-Kaelin in the 2000 election.”

John Travolta’s angel turn in “Michael” looks like a hit. Says Bob Mills, “Its uplifting message has inspired so many people to return to church that ministers have nicknamed it ‘Sunday Morning Fever.’ ”

*

Reader Leonard Braun of Downey says he recently removed the child-proof locks from his kitchen cabinets because granddaughter Corina, 3, had gotten pretty good about staying out of off-limits areas. Soon after, Corina was rummaging through a drawer and found the locks. As Grandma watched, Corina took one of the locks over to a cabinet, expertly reinstalled it, then declared:

“There! Now I won’t be able to get in there.”

(* Oh, go ask your parents.)