Punch Lines

Down but not out: The GOP moved quickly to put the best possible spin on that tumble Bob Dole took into a crowd. Says the Olympia Daily World, “According to his staff, he was just demonstrating his youthful outlook by taking a stage dive into what he thought was a mosh pit.”

* Adds Craig Kilborn, “I think he tripped over the abortion plank.”

President Clinton is prepping for the debates. Says Alan Ray, “He’s getting ready to go face to face with a Republican. He practices by looking in the mirror.”

Clinton says we’ll send robots to explore Mars. Say a dozen Punch Lines contributors, in harmony, “Al Gore starts training next week.”

Ross Perot has produced yet another infomercial. Says Ray, “He forces Americans to think about a very important question: ‘Where’s the remote?’ ”

*

In the news: Astronaut Shannon Lucid returns home this week after 188 days on the space station Mir. Says Ray, “Being the only woman among men who don’t speak her language was nothing new for her. She’s also a Republican.”

The ATF has placed dogs at the nation’s 50 largest airports to detect bombs. Says Argus Hamilton, “The ones at LAX don’t seem to be any good. Script after script makes it through to CBS and onto the airwaves.”

Congress has extended maternity benefits for mothers-to-be in labor. Says Jenny Church, “Buffalo wings and bread sticks if they don’t deliver in 30 minutes or less!”

Milk prices have risen dramatically across the nation. Says Ray, “What’s the most common disorder at the breakfast table today? Lactose insolvency.”

The CIA shut down its Web site after Swedish hackers snuck in and changed the name to “Central Stupidity Agency.” Says Church, “People thought that meant the MTA.”

Christie Brinkley is getting married for the fourth time. Says Bill Maher, “Afterward, all the single women will gather round and try to catch the prenuptial agreement.”

Billy Ray Cyrus is making a comeback. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “But don’t tell my ears, my achy-breaky ears.”

The Jackson Five have been voted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “In order to be inducted, you have to have been around for at least 25 years. That means Michael’s nose, chin, cheeks and lips won’t be eligible until 2009.”

* Adds the Cutler Daily Scoop, “The Bee Gees are also being inducted. That’s like voting Dan Quayle into Mensa.”

*

Reader Candi Hankins of Manhattan Beach says her husband, Gary, was excited about showing off his new office to his wife and their daughter Gabi, 5. Candi asked if he could arrange a tour. To which Gabi piped up:

“Better make it a ‘three-er’--I’m coming, too.”