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CAPSULES AND RANKINGS

Team: 1. Buffalo (2-1)

Opponent: Dallas

Comment: Not everyone gets to play the Chargers; so they go 15-1.

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Team: 2. Green Bay (3-0)

Opponent: at Minnesota

Comment: Bandwagon derailment prediction: three road games ahead.

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Team: 3. San Francisco (2-0)

Opponent: at Carolina

Comment: 49ers win lottery; rested and face Beuerlein at quarterback.

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Team: 4. Denver (3-0)

Opponent: at Kansas City

Comment: Two things going for Broncos: Bono and Schottenheimer.

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Team: 5. Kansas City (3-0)

Opponent: Denver

Comment: Will Marcus Allen ask Al Davis to introduce him into Hall of Fame?

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Team: 6. Indianapolis (3-0)

Opponent: Miami

Comment: Is this all part of some kind of “Highway to Heaven” script?

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Team: 7. Miami (3-0)

Opponent: at Indianapolis

Comment: Phone call for Jimmy Johnson--some guy named Jones.

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Team: 8. Minnesota (3-0)

Opponent: Green Bay

Comment: Vikings win, Brooke Shields gets good reviews--what next?

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Team: 9. Dallas (1-2)

Opponent: at Buffalo

Comment: Two more games before Michael Irvin returns and then what?

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Team: 10. Houston (2-1)

Opponent: Idle

Comment: What if they have a playoff game and nobody comes?

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Team: 11. Philadelphia (2-1)

Opponent: at Atlanta

Comment: Simple answer: The ball has been sewn to Ricky Watters’ hands.

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Team: 12. Washington (2-1)

Opponent: at St. Louis

Comment: Joe Theismann says Redskins will go 10-6; Perot predicts win.

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Team: 13. Pittsburgh (2-1)

Opponent: Idle

Comment: Rams thought Jerome Bettis was done, Rich Brooks could coach.

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Team: 14. St. Louis (1-1)

Opponent: Washington

Comment: Brooks thinks Steve Walsh can play quarterback.

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Team: 15. Detroit (1-2)

Opponent: Chicago

Comment: Wayne Fontes have anything to do with slow start? Nah.

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Team: 16. San Diego (2-1)

Opponent: at Oakland

Comment: Chargers have two sacks already, doubling expectations.

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Team: 17. Chicago (1-2)

Opponent: at Detroit

Comment: How about 1-15 with only win coming against Dallas?

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Team: 18. Carolina (2-0)

Opponent: San Francisco

Comment: Time to bring the Panthers down to earth.

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Team: 19. New England (1-2)

Opponent: Jacksonville

Comment: Patriots see how to use Drew Bledsoe--hand off to Curtis Martin.

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Team: 20. Baltimore (1-2)

Opponent: Idle

Comment: These mutts belong in a Dawg Pound.

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Team: 21. Cincinnati (1-2)

Opponent: Idle

Comment: Garrison Hearst is unhappy, which entitles him to be Bengal fan.

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Team: 22. Atlanta (0-2)

Opponent: Philadelphia

Comment: Time to start watching the Braves.

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Team: 23. Oakland (1-2)

Opponent: San Diego

Comment: No hot water in showers last week; not enough PSLs sold.

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Team: 24. Jacksonville (1-2)

Opponent: at New England

Comment: If you can’t beat Raiders, call it a season.

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Team: 25. Seattle (0-3)

Opponent: at Tampa Bay

Comment: Seahawks against Buccaneers and there’s a charge to watch.

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Team: 26. New Orleans (0-3)

Opponent: Arizona

Comment: Mora. Mora. Mora the same.

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Team: 27. Arizona (0-3)

Opponent: at New Orleans

Comment: This will shake up Saints: Boomer Esiason out, Kent Graham in.

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Team: 28. New York Jets (0-3)

Opponent: N.Y. Giants

Comment: Imagine Jets leaping into the stands in New York after a score.

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Team: 29. New York Giants (0-3)

Opponent: at N.Y. Jets

Comment: Imagine Giants scoring.

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Team: 30. Tampa Bay (0-3)

Opponent: Seattle

Comment: No-hitters for Hideo Nomo, Buccaneers.