Let’s Enter Weird Whirl of Rodman

Downey’s California:

--I will appear nude on the cover of my new book, “Dennis Rodman Is a Tall, Skinny Idiot,” and will cross-dress at autograph sessions if it helps sales. See you there.

--Disney now runs the Angels. Uh, oh. I smell the Anaheim Lion Kings, any day now.

--This year’s Indy 500 should open with the call: “Whoever you are, start your engines.”

--Lennox Lewis couldn’t knock out a photograph of Mike Tyson.

--Maybe O.J. wants the BBC to use him as a sideline reporter for all of Oxford’s games.

--A 15-year-old beats Steffi Graf at tennis. Nobody cares. A 19-year-old wants to play in the NBA. Everybody sneers. Get a clue, people.

--More jail time for Denny McLain? Denny was a Tiger, not a Yankee, but he must love wearing those pinstripes.

--I predict Doc Gooden will be fired by George Steinbrenner, soon as he fails to pitch no-hitters back to back.

--Isiah Thomas kissed Damon Stoudamire after the latter won NBA rookie of the year. Isiah does more kissing than Richard Dawson on “Family Feud.”

--Do you remember Isiah kissing Magic Johnson before their NBA playoff games? Man, let’s hope Rodman won’t try that with Karl Malone.

--Be nothing left of Dennis but a feather boa and a nose ring.

--Well, here’s Patrick Ewing after the Knicks’ elimination by the Bulls: “We still feel we’re the better team. We just didn’t prove it.” Congratulations to Patrick, winner of the NBA’s funniest quote of the month!

--Only reason the Knicks kept it close: No Air Kukoc.

--I went to “Twister,” but only because I thought it would be about that game where you put your hands and feet on different-colored circles.

--On USC’s 1996-97 basketball schedule is a tournament in Charlotte, N.C., that includes South Carolina. Yes, that’s right. There could finally be a USC-USC game.

--Also scheduled are two games against Cal, but I’m not sure Cal has five players left.

--If the Preakness is won by Editor’s Note, let’s put the whole story in parentheses and italics.

--A hockey player leaving his playbook in a hotel room doesn’t surprise me. What surprises me is that hockey has playbooks.

--I caught heavyweight boxer Butterbean’s “look-alike contest” on Jay Leno’s TV show. I thought it was a Pillsbury commercial.

--If one more Olympic swimmer goes to court, Sports Illustrated is going to run a swimsuit lawsuit issue.

--Plastic rats? Florida’s hockey fans throw plastic rats?

--I can understand baseball fans throwing Oh! Henry candy bars and not Nestle’s $100,000 candy bars. If they threw $100,000 bars, baseball players would throw them back.

--Plastic rats?

--Say, moms and dads, boys and girls, come on down to Cigarette-and-Swastika Night, Riverfront Stadium, Cincinnati, the first 5,000 free to every customer!

--Joe Frazier got hurt by a lawn mower? He fought Ali, he fought Foreman, but he got put in the hospital by a lawn mower?

--His nickname now is Joe Toro.

--I saw “The Great White Hype,” and I still say it’s a documentary.

--Tom Candiotti pitched excellent baseball the other night, for a guy from the United States.

--I still think any athlete named Troy Percival should be nicknamed “Sir Troy.”

--David Robinson took three shots in a San Antonio playoff game? David Robinson should get three shots off before the other team gets its warmup suits off.

--You know that “Li’l Penny” Hardaway puppet? I hope somebody from Chicago head-butts it.

--My prediction for the Stanley Cup’s Game 7: Sextuple overtime.

--Plastic rats?

--I like Disney’s idea for the new baseball caps. I just don’t like those big ears.