Punch Lines

Do I hear “fore”? In a fund-raising auction, a man bid $76,000 to play a round of golf with President Clinton:

* “But it was his wife who was teed off.” (Kenny Noble)

* “For half that much, you could play a round of miniature golf with Chelsea.” (Joe Kevany)

* “It’s the most anyone has paid for the privilege of playing golf--except maybe O.J. Simpson.” (Paul Ecker)

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In the news: PBS will offer free air time to presidential candidates. Says Premiere Morning Sickness, “Network execs have warned Bob Dole not to wear purple, so children don’t confuse him with the other dinosaur.”

Clinton is supporting the Republican-sponsored tax credit for parents who adopt. Says Steve Tatham, “He’s hoping voters will give him credit for adopting the GOP’s agenda.”

House Majority Leader Richard Armey (R-Texas) wants to cut the gas tax and make up the shortfall by cutting education funds. Asks Jenny Church, “Would he fire the teachers and make classrooms self-serve?”

In the frenzy at the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis auction, there was only one thing the public didn’t buy, says Bill Williams: “Ted Kennedy’s Chappaquiddick story.”

California is facing another public health scare. This time it’s flesh-eating bacteria, says Argus Hamilton, “but government scientists have figured out what causes it. Someone let a lawyer breed with an agent.”

UCLA denies that any student has been admitted in exchange for donations, but Tatham says many people still suspect that “quid pro quo” translates as “kid with dough.”

Cincinnati Reds owner Marge Schott is in hot water again for telling ESPN that Adolf Hitler started out good but went too far. Says Hamilton, “It’s one, two, three Reichs you’re out at the old ballgame.”

Actor George C. Scott has been hit with a sexual harassment suit by a former personal assistant. Says Tony Peyser, “She claims he was ‘patton’ her in inappropriate places.”

An earthquake hit the Seattle Kingdome during a ballgame last week. Hamilton says the final score was Cleveland 6, Seattle 3, Earth 5.3.

Fulfilling a promise to his mother, Dallas Cowboys star Emmitt Smith graduated from college. Says Cutler, “It was very touching when he received his diploma--and spiked it.”

Word out of Hollywood, says Stan Fink, is that Sandra Bullock “has replaced her agent and attorney and is considering changing her last name to Macy.”

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Reader Margaret Hatfield of West Los Angeles says her family rented a movie that boasted large explosions as a major plot device. As it came to an end, son Daniel, 12, said he wanted to watch the credits to see the name of the person in charge of the explosions. As the credits rolled, he shouted:

“There he is, the boom operator!”