LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Sports shorts: Jay Leno, on the van tipped over during the riot: “It had nothing to do with the whole basketball celebration. I guess UCLA students routinely destroy domestic cars under $20,000 that make it into Westwood.”

Leno, on the game: “Did you see Ed O’Bannon? At one point he had five guys hanging on him. I don’t know why they let those agents in the locker room.”

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the International Olympic Committee recognizing surfing and ballroom dancing as legitimate competitive sports: “Still awaiting certification are bungee jumping, dieting and shopping.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on spring training: “The long strike has left the real players rusty. Most haven’t picked up a salary arbitration manual in months.”

Comedy writer Alex Pearlstein, on Bo Jackson retiring from the Angels to pursue an acting career: “If he thought he was playing hardball before, wait until he guest stars on ‘Melrose Place.’ ”

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In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on the abysmal showing by California kids on standardized tests: “Some low scores were due to illness. There’s been a widespread outbreak here of the gumps.”

Adds comedy writer Alex Kaseberg: “Testing showed that 40% of L.A.’s 10th-graders had little or no math skills. And the other 75% didn’t do much better.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Rush Limbaugh doing Pizza Hut commercials: “I wouldn’t think he’d be the greatest inducement to eat pizza. One look at him and you say, ‘I think I’ll order Chinese.’ ”

Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on Tuesday’s major earthquake preparedness drill: “The FEMA office even practiced processing bogus claims.”

Comedy writer Jenny Church, on the new solar-powered car from Hawaii: “After washing the Sun Ray, don’t use wax. Try cocoa butter. . . . The first test drive came to a screeching halt when the Sun Ray drove into an Eclipse.” *

Cirque du O. J.: “How do criminologists tell time? They look at their swatches. “ (Russ Myers)

* “Criminologist Dennis Fung was prepared to gather shoe prints left by Judge Lance Ito on Dist. Atty. Hank Goldberg’s behind.” (Wayne E. Scott)

* “The prosecution is sparing no expense on graphics. They’ll even call Marie Callender as an expert witness to explain the pie charts.” (Mills)

* “A Toledo woman started a Kato Kaelin Fan Club. It costs $10 to join, $3 for a newsletter and $40 to let him stay at your house, rent free.” (Kevin S. Healey)

* “It took three hours to get Kato’s autograph at a mall. He was going really fast until he got hung up each time on that tricky little n .” (Church)

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Northridge reader Tim Maher’s son Matthew was confused after a school discussion of Daylight Saving, saying he couldn’t understand how man could adjust the sun. After Maher went over the change of seasons and the Earth’s rotation, Matthew thought for a moment, then asked:

“Dad, does this mean it gets later, earlier?”