Waller’s Valentine

Robert James Waller’s new book, “Border Music” (Warner Books: $17.95; 248 pp.) is a travelogue of the heart. It is a romance novel. Boy meets girl--much conversation--boy loses girl.

Chapter One: “Jack looked over at Linda Lobo. Her long hair was messed and windblown, but she looked good to him. A long way from perfect, but high cheekbones and nice lips reminding him vaguely of how the actress Barbara Hershey looked in her salad days.”

Much conversation.

Chapter 16: “She understood Jack Carmine had been a logical extension of her growing years. . . .”

The protagonists spend their time engaged in in-depth introspection, pondering, hesitation, analysis, reflection, self-discovery, reanalysis, repondering, ad infinitum. But I did say it was a travelogue, an entertaining travelogue. Jack Carmine, flawed hero, rescues Linda Lobo from a strip joint in Dillon, Minn. Most of the book takes place on the drive from Dillon to Alpine, Texas, (which is the conversation part).

The story of Jack and Linda has a soundtrack. It consists of all the old country songs us rural people grew up with. Robert Waller must have listened to the same radio stations I did back in the ‘60s. Featured artists include Merle Haggard, Hank Snow, the Marshall Tucker Band, Kenny Rogers, Emmylou Harris, Jimmy Buffett and Bob Wills. Songs like “Me and Bobby McGee” and “Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town,” serve as dated Post-it notes for Jack’s life.

Yep, Robert Waller knows his country music and he has a nice feel for West Texas cowboys. Jack Carmine is definitely a good ol’ boy. He likes pickups, dancin’, drinkin’ beer, and smokin’ Pall Malls. But he is a romance novel good ol’ boy, which allows women to overlook his bad habits. “More than that, he genuinely liked women, not only in bed but overall. Liked to watch them, talk with them, dance with them and women picked up on it. They liked him because he liked them for all the things women are.”

Jack Carmine is a Tom Sawyer character who occasionally has a Woody Woodpecker attack. He dances on the pickup hood, buys 12 sacks of dog food for ballast, spends $1,700 on new clothes for Linda, goes skinny dippin’ at the Best Western and tries to put javelinas on the endangered species list. These outbursts add spice to their slow cookin’, crock pot sort of love affair that is the beating heart of “Border Music.”

Jack also serves as inspiration for an army buddy. Jack had saved Bob’s life. Bob’s job in the book is to be the bearer of bad news. See, Jack has a terrible secret, a thorn in his paw that we readers desperately hope Linda Lobo can extract. As the romance develops, the fatal flaw is slowly revealed. It is terrible and dramatic, yet presented as a cold dish, which makes its impact even more chilling.

Suddenly we realize Linda can never save him. She would be better off marrying an insurance agent and getting her bachelor’s degree in American studies from Drake University--which, of course, is what she does.

So if you like “Scarlett,” “As the World Turns” or “Lonesome Dove” with Barry Manilow playing Gus, this book is for you. But if you prefer the action-intrigue of “The Firm” or First Samuel:17, I’d buy “Border Music” as a Valentine gift for a quiet friend.