Hey, Who’s in a Hurry?

French Champagne makers are demanding that a small British company called Thorncroft Vineyards stop marketing “elderflower champagne,” even though it’s nonalcoholic and sold only in health-food stores, on the grounds that it’s an attempt to cash in on the worldwide reputation of Champagne. Thorncroft owner Guy Woodall objects that only “a moron in a hurry” could confuse his flower-based beverage with Champagne.

Love Me, Love My Dog Biscuit

Bone Vivant Dog Treats, guaranteed minimum 16.5% protein, are wholesome, preservative-free (each package is dated for freshness) and--most important--they’re heart-shaped. A 10-ounce package sells for around $5.99 at stores such as Nowhere Natural Food Market in Los Angeles and Joie de Vivre Pet Store in Studio City. (A percentage of the profits will be donated to AIDS research and the Juvenile Diabetes Assn.)

Get the Net

Economic Community bureaucrats are trying to require European fishermen and dockside workers to wear hair nets as a hygiene precaution.

The Edible, Legible Valentine

Absolute Necessities sells baskets of mixed cookies (nut bars, fudge plops, brownies, etc.) starring shortbread cookies with Valentine’s messages printed on them. Not spelled out with a blobby frosting tube but machine-printed in real type faces using confectionery “inks,” messages include “Love Is a Many-Splendored Cookie” and “Take a Bite Out of Love” (that one has tooth marks printed on it). Baskets start at two pounds ($40); call or FAX (310) 287-1956.

Bag Man Blues

After eight months of hiding abroad, a man accused of delivering millions in underworld bribes to the Italian Socialist Party gave himself up to police Sunday at the French-Italian border. Silvano Larini, 57, told arresting officers, “I miss Italy, I’m tired of running, and I want a pizza.”