Comments & Curiosities:

Dean Pfefferneuse, distinguished faculty, proud parents and, of course, graduates. It is time, once again, for the commencement address that will never be given, from the commencement speaker who will never be asked to give it.

To all of my fidgety, antsy, noisy and annoying graduating friends — including whoever has the canned string in the back row, if you don’t stop I will hunt you down like a dog — we are so proud of you.

If only you could see yourselves as we see you at this moment — wearing a shiny dress and a dorky square hat with a yellow pompom dangling from it, you would want to dig a hole and crawl inside it.

If you remember nothing else of what I have to tell you, remember this: You are special. You are also incredibly lucky. So many graduates before you began their life’s journey with nothing on the horizon but blue skies, green lights and unlimited opportunity in the greatest state in the greatest nation of all.

But you get to begin your lives while the state is imploding, the global economy is tanking, and we’re facing years of misery that the world hasn’t seen for almost a century. How cool is that?

As you step over this critical threshold, the questions that you desperately want answered are the same questions that your parents, your grandparents, your great grandparents, your great, great grandparents, your great, great, great grandparents, and your cousin wanted answered.

These are the questions that matter — the questions about life, love, living, and liposuction. I will tell you everything you need to know. This is important, your happiness depends on it, and I have, I don’t know, 15 minutes maybe, if that. Now listen carefully.

Sherlock Holmes never said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

Humphrey Bogart never said, “Play it again, Sam” in “Casablanca.” He said, “Play it, Sam. If she can take it, so can I.”

Captain Kirk never said, “Beam me up, Scotty.” He said, “Beam me up, Mr. Scott.”

The voice of Tony the Tiger was Thurl Ravenscroft, who also sang “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch” in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman. Ralph Lauren’s real name is Ralph Lifschitz. He’s from the Bronx. Estee Lauder’s real name is Josephine Esther Mentzer. She’s from Queens. Stan Laurel’s real name was Stan Jefferson. He was very superstitious and changed his name to Stan Laurel because Stan Jefferson has 13 letters.

Speaking of words, there aren’t any that rhyme with orange or purple. The only city spelled entirely with vowels is Aiea, which is in Hawaii.

Facetious and abstemious both contain all the vowels in the correct order, and sub-continental is the only word with all the vowels in reverse order.

The English word with the most consonants in a row is latchstring. Polish is the only word that changes from a nationality to a verb just by capitalizing its first letter, or not.

This one is very cool: The longest English word you can type with just one row of letters on a keyboard is “typewriter.” Seriously. Look at the top row of letters on your keyboard.

Ever wonder why people pay so much for bottled water? Spell “Evian” backwards. Qantas, the Australian airline, stands for Queensland and Northern Territories Air Service. Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye.”

Speaking of which, your eyes are the same size the day you die as the day you were born, but your ears never stop growing. Giant squid have the largest eyes of any animal, up to 15 inches diameter, which is why finding sunglasses is a nightmare if you’re a giant squid.

Women blink twice as much as men. An iguana can stay underwater for 28 minutes. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds. I tried to find out exactly who it is that times flying chickens but I could not. If you know, please contact me.

During World War II, the Army Air Corps tried to train bats to drop bombs. It didn’t work. Armadillos sleep about 18.5 hours a day. No wonder they don’t get much done.

Crossing a road takes about an hour and a half. Andrew Jackson, our seventh president, swore like a drunken sailor. At his funeral, Jackson’s pet parrot had to be removed from the church for swearing like a drunken sailor.

Zap grapes in a microwave long enough and they will explode. Eight hundred is an important number. There are about 800 kernels in an ear of corn, and about 800 Americans a week go to emergency rooms with injuries caused by their jewelry.

Speaking of undressing in public places, next time you’re alone, or not, take a look at the pull on your zipper. It probably says “YKK,” which stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha — the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.

The A and W in A & W root beer stand for Allen and Wright. The founders of Mars Candy were Forrest Mars and Bruce Murrie, thus the M’s in M&M;’s.

I think that’s it. You now know all that I…wait, forgot — most car horns beep in the key of F.

OK, now you know all that I know, which is all you need to know. Will any of this help you find a job and, more importantly, find happiness? Of course not. There are no jobs, which means you can get totally caught up on your reading and get a killer tan this summer.

Finding happiness is harder, but just be patient and you will figure it out. Promise. For now, check your zipper, don’t swear in front of your parrot and keep your grapes out of the microwave. See? Life isn’t that hard after all. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].