COMMENTS & CURIOSITIES:

This is serious. It’s one of those times when you have to make a decision that could affect the rest of your life, which is really hard. You’ll have to do that on Tuesday, if you haven’t already.

Yes, I know, it’s confusing and frustrating, with all the commercials and the mailers and the endless yammering and bickering on radio and television around the clock.

But remember this: Just what makes that little old ant think he’ll move a rubber tree plant? Everyone knows an ant, can’t, move a rubber tree plant, but he’s got high hopes, and you’ve got…the Official Certified Campaign 2008 Peter B. Election Handbook!” Are you excited? I knew you would be. Pay attention. This is important. The future of the nation depends on it, sort of.

“Section 1: How Do You Know Who’s Telling the Truth?” I will never understand why people have such a hard time with this part.

It is so easy — just read the campaign mail and listen to the commercials. Everything in them is true. It has to be. It’s the law. I find the commercials especially helpful. They make everything so clear. I am really going to miss San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom shrieking “The door’s wide open now. It’s gonna happen, whether you like it or not!” over and over, with that scary insane look on is face.

Let’s go right to the big one: “Section 1A: Picking a President.” It makes me sad to think this race will be over soon. I wish it would go on forever. Oh wait, I forgot, it already has.

There are just two days left, thank God, and the candidates are totally amped up, racing for the finish line. Sarah Palin’s been to Neiman’s one last time, Barack Obama got his hair styled, and John McCain is so excited he put new tennis balls on the front of his walker.

This one is pretty simple. If you want a socialist who will raise your taxes 10,000%, redistribute the wealth, is willing to meet the president of Iran for a vanilla latte at Starbucks any time and has a former pastor who sounds as loopy as Gavin Newsom — “The door’s wide open now. It’s gonna happen, whether you like it or not!” — I’d say go with Obama.

But if you want a military hero who is very, umm, mature, is really George Bush in a McCain suit and is a total maverick who is going to single-handedly reform Washington and Wall Street and rein in the Mideast with a vice president who is a double for Tina Fey and can see Russia from her house — McCain is your man.

“Section 1B: Picking a Candidate, All Others.” This one is tougher. Only vote for people whose campaign mail has one or more of the following: a picture of a fire engine, with fire fighters if possible, a police car, ideally with a police officer, some senior citizens and/or kids, preferably their own, and a pretty nature scene. Under no circumstances should you vote for anyone who doesn’t promise to “protect our quality of life.”

That is critical. Make sure they say that. And pick someone who wants to “make our (city) (county) (state) a better place to live and work.” The environment? Gotta have it, absolutely, positively cannot stress it enough.

As you know, if anyone can figure out what to do about complex problems like global warming and greenhouse gases, it’s politicians. They have really good ideas. Especially the ones in Sacramento.

Oh, and try to find candidates who are against growth, development and business. Those are bad.

“Section 2: Slate Mailers.” Those are the big postcards with little pictures that recommend a “yes” or “no” vote on certain candidates and ballot measures. Very informative. There are a ton of these things but the best is the “Save Prop 13 Voters Guide” with the little picture of Howard Jarvis still shaking his fist at us, 22 years after he died.

And here’s an amazing coincidence: The official “Voter Information Guides” for Republican Voters, Democrat Voters and Independent Voters all come from the same address — 13701 Riverside Drive, No. 604, Sherman Oaks, CA 91423.

Three parties all sending out their important recommendations from the same address — what are the chances of that? Which raises the question: How do the candidates and propositions on slate mailers get endorsed by those very important organizations?

Actually it’s not that hard. It’s called “writing a check.” There are certain criteria that have to be met though — no one, and I mean no one gets an endorsement until their check clears.

So there you have it. Everything you need to know about Campaign 2008, aside from the fact that you just want it to end. I know it’s depressing but cheer up.

Just think, the economy — or what’s left of it — couldn’t be any worse! If you’ve already voted by absentee ballot, you are a great American. If you haven’t, cut this out and take it with you on Election Day. You’ll thank me. Sort of. I gotta go.

PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs Sundays. He may be reached at [email protected].