WHAT’S SO FUNNY: These boots were made for what?

“Someone reported receiving a threatening Christmas card that said the sender would enter the residence and take off his boots at 9:15 p.m.” — Police Files, Coastline Pilot, Dec. 28.

One of the advantages of living in a small town is that it’s not too hard to get in the paper.

The average city dweller has to fight tons of competition, but we in Laguna have a better chance of getting our opinions printed in the letters to the editor, and our behavior noted in the police blotter.

I derive no joy from a neighbor’s mishap but I like to read the Laguna police blotter precisely because it’s sometimes a showcase for the unique, the intriguing and, well, the odd.

In last week’s Coastline “Police File,” you may have seen the above item about a Christmas card containing a threat involving some boots. I mention it because I’m having trouble letting it go.

It haunts me. The more I think about it the less I get it.

Was the card’s sender referring to the resident’s boots or his own?

Was the report made at 9:15 p.m., or is that the time the boots are supposed to come off?

And what kind of threat is that, anyway? “I’m going to take your boots off.” Or, conversely, “I’m going to take MY boots off.” Foot odor jokes aside, why does the threat to take off a pair of boots inspire such dread in the resident? Or is it slang — a euphemism for something else the resident might have two of?

These are deep waters, and since I resemble Mycroft Holmes more than his brother Sherlock in that I rarely leave my desk to pursue my solutions, I may never nail this one down. But I’ll recall that card when many a “Merry Xmas” from friends has been forgotten, and we can thank our small-town status for a report that never would have made the New York papers.

I’m proud to say I made the police file myself five years ago, with my report of a rat walking around my back yard with half an Easter egg on its head. Many people remember me for that alone. I couldn’t have made that kind of impression in a big town.

Of course, it’s not all glory, getting in the paper. There is such a thing as bad publicity, and it’s easier to get that in a small town, too. Reading about your DUI in the local weekly has to be one of the least enjoyable experiences imaginable. Has to be a good incentive to sober up, though — you really don’t want to read something like that twice.

Our police file is an edifying, often electrifying feature, and as long as it’s not too grim I like it. Not only do I read it each week but I think about it in between times. Especially lately.

I mean . . . boots?

SHERWOOD KIRALY is a Laguna Beach resident. He has written four novels, three of which were critically acclaimed.