PTA COFFEE BREAK:Influence, rather than control, your children

In an age when most families aren’t dependent on children finishing chores on a farm, many parents struggle to duplicate a sense of family contribution in their children.

Parent educator Susan Holt told parents, district staff and school board members at the April 25 PTA Coffee Break at the Surf and Sand Hotel that chances to truly build a sense of significance are rare.

“We have to create those opportunities in our families,” said Holt, a prevention program coordinator for the Irvine Unified School District.

Holt said that as children no longer grow up on farms, they don’t naturally have the opportunities to make meaningful contributions to their families.

If the child didn’t finish their chores, the family didn’t eat that night, Holt explained.

“Allowances are to teach kids about money,” she said. “Farm chores are the price of living on a farm.”

In her talk, “Developing Capable Kids: Builder Behaviors to Use and Barrier Behaviors to Avoid,” Holt began by asking the crowd what they believed has changed since they were children.

Answers ranged from media pervasiveness to busyness to excess homework.

All of the traits listed by attendees create a fracturing of family time, Holt said.

“If you don’t do anything else in your family, sit down and eat dinner together at least a couple times a week,” Holt said. “Family dinners are critically important.”

Holt primarily discussed principles developed by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen in the book “Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World.”

“I’ve taught a lot of young people in my career, and this material is hands-down the best material I’ve found,” Holt said.

Rather than focusing on risk factors for failure, the authors chose to highlight positive qualities that lead to becoming “resourceful, respectful and responsible” adults, Holt said.

They researched the traits held in common between people of disadvantaged backgrounds who still managed to excel in life.

“They had risk factors, but somehow managed to be successful,” Holt said. “What did they have in common? Could we teach that?”

The authors introduced several “builder” and “barrier” parent behaviors. Combined, they form the “Significant Seven Plus One,” which Holt discussed in detail.

The seven principles are:

The “Plus One” referred to an element of faith.

“Many of us are wishing we could have control over our children,” Holt said. “You don’t want control; you want influence. And you can’t show influence unless you have communication. Problem-solve with them, rather than to them or for them.”

To help kids develop interpersonal skills, Holt suggests parents learn themselves how to properly engage in conflict.

“Don’t try to problem-solve when everyone’s in the middle of their feelings,” Holt said. “It’s virtually impossible. We also try to talk kids out of their feelings. Learn to listen. Don’t doubt their own perceptions.”

Parents are the models of all of these skills, Holt said.

“When your kid is offered the Ecstasy tablet, you are not going to be standing next to them,” she said.

She suggests giving them easy choices, so that they can feel comfortable with decision-making.

“‘Which shirt do you want to wear?’ ‘Do you want to take your bath before or after dinner?’ Practice making judgments in small things that won’t have them end up in juvenile hall,” she said.

Many parenting methods used 50 years ago are “toxic” in today’s society, Holt said.

Many of these self-imposed “barrier” behaviors that parents construct between themselves and their children can be neutralized.

The “builder” behaviors that counteract barrier mechanisms are:

“You have a thousand opportunities every day to dialogue with your kids,” Holt said.