FAIR GAME:A thankless job with no martinis

My friend, “carpeteer” or “rugatuer,” Brett Hemphill, invited me out to opening night of the Newport Beach Chamber of Commerce’s Christmas Boat Parade.

For beauty and the true Newport Beach holiday spirit, it doesn’t get much better than that.

So I said yes.

My thoughts had me sitting on the deck of perhaps a new McKenna yacht, feet up, sipping champagne and enjoying exotic appetizers. Who knows, maybe even an occasional wave to the many parade onlookers.

I even practiced my parade wave.

“Perhaps a martini, Mr. Johnson?” I imagined the hostess asking.

So you can imagine my surprise when I arrived at the Balboa Yacht Club to board my “vessel” and met Don Lawrenz.

Now, I’m not blaming Don. He seems like a pretty good guy to me.

Don is the president and chief executive of Best Life and Health Insurance Company. He’s also known around the bay as Capt. Don Lawrenz, a Newport Beach harbor commissioner.

But there was a problem: Don was sitting in a 16-foot Boston Whaler.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have a Boston Whaler. Actually, I’d love to have any boat that isn’t rubber and floating in my bathtub.

But even I — a person whose only experience with water might be a splash in my Jack Daniel’s — can tell the difference between a McKenna yacht and a 16-foot Boston Whaler.

Moments later, surprise No. 2 came. I realized Don wasn’t the hostess I expected, and there would be no champagne, martinis or exotic appetizers.

Sure, he offered me a bottle of water and a piece of pizza, but it just wasn’t the same.

Don and I were on parade control. That’s right, parade control. We’re responsible for taking 100 or so boats, big and small, and getting them lined up for a parade.

It’s a thankless job.

We also have to help move them around the many onlooking electric boats; the commercial vessels trying to make an extra buck by capitalizing on the interested parade viewers with no other place to watch; and, of course, the others, those with perhaps a religious message, sans the rainbow wig or a kayak, with a couple of ornamental lights and a desire to row the entire course.

But the really exciting part of parade control comes when you realize you’ve dressed too warmly and that you will endure the cold.

You’d rather take gloves off than forget them at home.

A jacket and an extra sweatshirt, great. No jacket, you’re in for a long night.

But this night was fine. Sure there was a chill in the air, but it was quickly soothed by the excitement of the first night of the 98th year of the Newport Beach Christmas Boat Parade.

As the onlookers gathered onshore, the spectator boats took over the center basin in front of the Balboa Bay Club and helicopters flew overhead, I imagined the many years gone by and those who preceded us in making this event the national and worldwide spectacle it has become.

And let’s not forget the Commodores Club, the welcoming arm of the Chamber of Commerce and the real group behind the Christmas boat parade.

Certainly included in that group are parade Chairman and Commodore Ralph Rodheim, and commodores and parade control chairmen Brett Hemphill and Ray Lewis

You might be familiar with the Commodores Club for some of the other things they do in the community, such as the high school scholarship and athletic awards breakfasts, the Flight of the Lasers, the Irrelevant Week welcoming party, the sandcastle contest and the annual fire and marine appreciation party.

Tonight I have further duty on parade control. I can’t wait.

Sunday night, I can actually enjoy the parade. Then and only then will I be in the safe confines of the McKenna lead boat.

“Perhaps a martini, Mr. Johnson?”

“You bet, as soon as I get my feet up.”

Newport Beach, get out and enjoy it. It’s one of the things that makes this a special place to live.