CHERRIL DOTY:When appearances in our life deceive

”...she had constructed an image of what we were all like and what our lives were like, and she never really looked to see if the reality fit her image.” -- Katherine Graham in “Personal History”

Nothing is simple. Certainly, interpersonal relationships are not. Nor finding the time for those things we think that we want to do. And, definitely, not for finding answers to the myriad, complicated questions that fill our everyday lives.

It is slow going, but with autumn here at last I am taking some time for reading. “Personal History” is the memoir of the woman who guided the Washington Post through years that encompassed a vast number of events and years of crisis in the past century. The opening quote here, which Katharine Graham made about her mother, caught my attention. It fit into the context of her relationship with her mother, but it seemed to apply to an even broader spectrum as I read it.

How many of us do just the same thing — construct an image of what others are like without looking at the realities that might contradict that view? This may be an image of our children, our parents, acquaintances, or strangers — those near at hand or more public figures. How often do we take the time to question ourselves and these people to see if in fact our perceived views or images are correct?

In families there is a tendency to label certain members in certain ways. “Oh, she’s the sensitive one.” “He’s the clown.” “She’s the one who will get ahead in life.” Most of us are aware of the fallout that can accompany these labels. And yet it continues. Like Katharine Graham’s mother, are we never really looking to see the reality? It is my opinion that most of the people most of the time simply don’t realize the impact of these labels. Yet the reverberations — the impact — can have far-reaching consequences.

We also all too often construct an image of complete strangers that simply doesn’t jibe with the unknown realities. Dark, shaved head, goatee, jeans and t-shirt? Must be a gang member. Slacks, blue dress shirt, tie? Of course an upstanding member of the community. A man hoping for a day’s work at a site designated for day laborers must be an illegal immigrant. A homeless person “probably brought it on himself.” Where do we get these constructed images? How do they fit with reality?

Is the mother wise or judgmental? Perhaps some of each. Is the son generous or out to win? Probably that and more. Look deeper. The wife who is harsh and negative … is she also compassionate and caring? Is that homeless woman picking up trash lazy or down on her luck? Some of each? Look closer to find the realities.

Our “stories” — for that is what they are — about others and even about ourselves come out of our history, our awareness, and even our imaginations. These stories may in fact be the reality. On the other hand, they may not be, no matter how many instances of “proof” we have.

We need to watch for the constructions that become these stories. Are they, in fact, based in reality or are they merely a quick way of labeling and cataloging? When assumption and “story” show up, question yourself, question others, find out more. Take the time. There is a vast world of diversity out there waiting. Explore it. Question it. Learn from it. There is much to gain. Remember: nothing is simple.