Reasons to relax

Well, tomorrow’s the weekend. The sun will be out, and there’ll be no good excuses to get me out of working around the house.

Oh, I’ll think up a couple, but chances are my wife won’t buy them.

Here’s the problem with me and fix-it jobs around the home front. First of all, work around the house, no matter how big or small, equals blood. I’m the kind of guy who changes a light bulb and cuts his hand. The bride needs something fixed under the sink, I hit my head. Blood. Trim the roses and get the Band-Aids out ? and you better bring the whole box.

The size of the job equals how much blood is spilled.

As good a bleeder as I am, I’m equally bad at fixing things.

Just this week, my wife told me that the clothes dryer wasn’t heating. I cleaned out the lint vent thinking it was blocked and tried it again. No help.

By the way, thank goodness for duct tape in getting that thing back together.

So I did what any good husband would do, I told her to go buy a new dryer. And while you’re at it, I told her, she might as well get a new washer too.

She took my advice. Tuesday they were delivered and we had them hooked up. Boy, are they pretty.

The problem is that the new dryer still doesn’t heat.

I figured then it must be an electrical problem and called my buddy, Tim Riley, yeah, you got it, the same Tim Riley who’s the Newport Beach Fire Department chief. Way back in the day, Tim was trained as an electrician.

I told Tim over the telephone that I think I have a breaker problem and wondered how easy that was to fix. Knowing me, and knowing that I would probably kill myself, Tim volunteered his services. What a friend!

So over he came with all of the tools, and I pointed him toward the electrical box. I wish I could have helped him, but I already had my feet up and was comfortable.

He thought he’d take a look at the dryer first, just for the heck of it.

Upon realizing that the dryer ran fine, all the bells and whistles lighted up and the drum turned, Tim quizzically looked at me and asked, “Why do you think it’s an electrical problem?”

Realizing at that same moment what he was seeing, I thought to myself, “That’s a great question.”

After running multiple tests, checking different outlets, connections and what all, Tim’s conclusion was that it had to be a gas problem.

Using my best fireman’s humor I suggested just undoing the gas line and lighting a match to check and see if it was working.

Tim laughed and said, “Guys like you keep guys like me working.”

So as I wait for the gas company, that project now stands where so many of my projects get to. Started but not completed.

Add it to the list of the sprinkler section that doesn’t work, a microwave oven that needs to be installed, a gate that needs another coat of paint, a garden that has been cleaned out and now needs plants, a deck and cover that needs to be refinished, closet shelves that need to be built, a garage that needs to be cleaned out and an outside walkway that needs to be installed, and you begin to understand my life from my eyes.

And I can assure you, it’s not a pretty sight.

So what will Saturday bring?

Well, I’ll sleep in late, hopefully to prolong the inevitable: failure.

Once I’m showered and dressed I’ll announce the projects at hand to anyone who will listen. Usually, it’s just the dog, and most times that’s even questionable.

Then I’ll gather up my tools and spread them out. It gives me the look of being busy.

Upon figuring out what parts or supplies I might need for the day, I’ll venture out to the local hardware store. And I know if it’s a typical Saturday, that trip will be the first of many.

Returning from the store, I’ll realize that it’s lunch time and try and waste the next several hours eating and catching up on the golf tournaments or other sporting events on TV. Hopefully, while lying on the couch.

By the end of the day, nothing will have been accomplished. But the honey-do list will have gotten longer.

Thank goodness for Sunday. No, it’s not a chance to get caught up. Remember, it’s Father’s Day, a day to honor those of us who do so much throughout the year or, better yet, to honor those of us who have the good intentions to do so much throughout the year.

Come on, guys, you know who you are. Sit back and enjoy the praise. We deserve it!