Group support after loss
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Holidays are often tough for people who have recently lost a loved one.The holidays can be a rough time of year for those who have suffered the loss of a significant other in recent years.
Because it’s a time for celebrating and being with loved ones, for a widow or a widower, it can be a time of grief and depression as he or she remembers past holidays with a husband or wife.
Experts say the best thing to do around the holidays to help fill the void and ease the pain is to spend time with friends and family and indulge in activities going on throughout the community.
There are also many support groups and bereavement groups for people dealing with losses.
A widows and widowers group meets every Wednesday afternoon at the Costa Mesa Senior Center. They don’t sit around crying about their deceased husbands and wives, but rather talk about different things going on in their lives and provide a support system for everyone in the group.
On Wednesday, many of them shared stories of their most memorable Christmas celebrations, discussed their plans for the upcoming holidays, and told jokes.
Connie Johnston and Carol Fortier are facilitators for the group.
Fortier said the group members are all very supportive of one another. They discuss anything and everything that’s troubling them -- from health and aging issues to current scams to watch for.
“It’s so supportive that they all keep coming back,” Fortier said.
She said they try to find out what people are doing for the holidays so no one is left sitting at home feeling sorry for himself or herself.
“If you know somebody who has nowhere to go, be sure and invite them,” Johnston urged the group.
Charu Mody, social service coordinator for the senior center, said especially during the holiday season, it’s important for widows and widowers to reach out to people, to spend time with people. She also said it’s important that people acknowledge their loss.
“To be able to go down memory lane and remember things about that person -- it’s healthy to do that,” Mody said. “It’s OK to cry.... It’s better than holding it all in.”
In order to get through the pain of losing someone, Mody said, one must go through the grieving process.
“That’s a major loss, losing a husband or wife,” she said. “Some people have so much trouble getting over that hump. Once you get over that loss, then you can focus on meeting other people.”
Ruth Raskin, a psychotherapist and case manager with Jewish Family Services, said it’s important for widows and widowers to plan activities around the holidays and not to turn down invitations just because they may think they’ll be a downer.
“Be around supportive people as much as possible,” Raskin said. “A lot of times, you feel like you don’t want to do anything because you’re so sad, but it’s better to be around people.”
Raskin also suggested volunteering as a means of coping with the difficult times. Often, when people reach out to the community, they feel better about themselves, and it can help take their mind off the pain and sadness.
“The most important thing is to make a plan -- don’t let it [the holiday season] creep up on you,” she said.
Catherine Bailey, coordinator of oncology support services at Hoag Memorial Hospital Presbyterian, said her organization recommends that recent widows and widowers take care of themselves by engaging in the things they normally do around the holidays.
“But take time away from it if you need to,” she said. “Maybe you’ll want to do your normal traditions a little differently.”
Bailey said the first holidays without a loved one are the most difficult -- the first birthday, anniversary, Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine’s Day.
“That loss becomes very, very real,” she said. “Because holiday times are a time of festivities, family and couples, it can make the grieving process a little more difficult.”
Many resources are available for those who have lost a loved one:
* The Widows and Widowers group at the Costa Mesa Senior Center meets every Wednesday from 1 to 3 p.m. at the center, 695 West 19th St., Costa Mesa. This group is probably best-suited for people who have dealt with their loss and are ready to make new friends. Information: (949) 645-2356.
* Life on Your Own at the Oasis Senior Center meets every Friday from 12:30 to 1:30 p.m. at the center, 800 Marguerite Ave., Corona del Mar. This group is designed for single people and is more of a social club. Information: (949) 644-3244.
* Hoag Hospital offers a variety of support groups for people who have suffered a loss. Call (949) 764-8358 for more information.
* Jewish Family Services has a couple of bereavement support groups in different locations. Call (949) 435-3460 for more information.
* Caring Connections Friendly Visitor program, a program through the Orange County Council on Aging, recruits and trains volunteers to visit older and disabled adults who may be experiencing loneliness and isolation. For information, call (714) 479-0107.
* LINDSAY SANDHAM is the news assistant. She can be reached at (714) 966-4625 or [email protected].
20051217irm93hncPHOTOS BY KENT TREPTOW / DAILY PILOT(LA)Vera Ripplinger laughs as she shares some Christmas memories during a gathering for widows and widowers. 20051217irm92tnc(LA)Shirlene Heston, top, greets Shirley Phillips as Mary Belbiso, right, and Ellen Nebash look on during a gathering for widows and widowers at the Costa Mesa Senior Center on Wednesday.
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