Keep out of the dog house

Perhaps this column should be renamed Dog Diaries. Seems my writings

recently have chronicled the adventures that take place while I’m

walking my dog.

And here’s yet another one.

A new family moved in on my street. They live right on the path of

my favorite dog walking route. They have three kids and a golden

retriever.

Now it just so happens that Maggie, my dog, has a thing for

goldens. She hates them! Other dogs she’ll give a chance before she

starts barking her head off, but not goldens. She goes berserk right

away.

So we were walking past this house and this beautiful dog came

bounding over, fluffy stuffed animal in its mouth, tail wagging,

wanting to meet Maggie and play.

True to form, Maggie lost it. Barking and baring her teeth. Just

in a dither. The golden looked shocked and horrified, and promptly

retreated.

This happened a few more times. Soon I knew better. I’d watch

carefully as we walked up the block. If the dog was outside, I’d

cross the street to avoid any outbursts.

Sometimes though, I’d forget to look or the golden would come

rushing out the door as we passed by. By now, Maggie had taught him

that she was aggressive, so he’d come out charging, barking his own

head off.

Now there were two dogs in an uproar, each triggered by the other.

The golden was by now a full adversary and Maggie was, of course,

hopeless. It didn’t matter at this point which dog had started the

process. The behavior was entrenched and maintained just as much by

the one dog as the other.

Which brings me to the point of this column: So often couples come

in for counseling thinking that if the other person would just cease

and desist, their conflicts would go away.

“After all, if he/she would just stop doing X, then I wouldn’t get

so upset.”

I hear this all the time. Unfortunately, by the time the process

is in full swing, it doesn’t matter who set it in motion. Either

person can change the outcome just by doing something different.

Ah, if it were just that simple.

Couples tell me that they fight about inconsequential things, like

socks left on the floor or coffee grounds spilled on the kitchen

counter.

I say: “That’s not what you’re fighting about. Each of you is

getting triggered at a deeper level by how your partner is treating

you around this seemingly unimportant event. And that’s why it’s so

difficult for both of you to stop behaving as you are and to get past

thinking you’re right and wanting your partner to change first.”

The hard part is that the more the disagreements happen, the more

entrenched the process becomes because the meaning we attribute to

the other person’s actions becomes consistent and automatic.

This is called “sentiment override,” a term coined by John

Gottman, who did the preeminent research on what makes marriages

succeed or fail. It means that we assign meaning to events that is

consistent with our ongoing experience of the other person. So if you

and your partner have been fighting, you will assign a negative

meaning to his or her behavior; it’ll be just one more piece of

evidence, confirming that you have an accurate read on what a jerk he

or she is. If the two of you have been getting along well, you’ll

give it a more positive meaning. You’ll excuse the objectionable

behavior by not attributing character traits to it -- more like, he

or she was just having a bad day or was a little grumpy for some

reason.

Why is this important? It’s important because sentiment override

creates and maintains the emotional climate of the relationship. So

for a difficult relationship to improve, positive sentiment override

has to kick in.

Back to the dogs. The meaning the golden attributed to Maggie went

from “Here’s a playmate” to “This dog is out to get me,” and his

behavior was sustained and maintained by the latter. In order for

them to be friends, either Maggie or the golden would have to break

this cycle. Sniffing each other without barking would be a first

step. Tail-wagging might come next. Each interaction building on the

preceding one and reinforcing the new meaning that “this doggie will

not hurt me.”

So it is with dogs. And so it is with people if you don’t want

your relationship to go to the dogs.

Please note: I will be speaking at 7 p.m. on Nov. 3 at the Newport

Beach Public Library. My topic is a Recipe for Living Well, and I

will talk about how to enhance your relationships. Please come.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and a marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

[email protected] or at (949) 644-6435.