Pearls of SAT wisdom

Have you been to college? You should go. You learn about calculus,

Romulus, photosynthesis, how everyone is oppressed -- except you --

and where to get a phony driver’s license.

If that sounds interesting, and you are a high school senior who

plans to take the SAT this year, the Daily Pilot wants you. Ten

incredibly lucky high school scholars and scholarettes -- one from

Sage Hill School and two each from Corona del Mar, Newport Harbor,

Costa Mesa and Estancia high schools -- will be chosen, via an essay

contest, to be personally tutored in the subtle art of SAT taking.

The tutor will be Joe Betance, formerly with Princeton Review --

one of the country’s leading test preparation firms, and now the

chief poobah of his own test prep company, Undergrad Industries.

If you’re interested, you need to write an essay about yourself

and your academic achievements, and e-mail it to

[email protected] by Aug. 19, which is Friday, which is

soon, so don’t dilly dally.

I have a vague memory of taking the SAT. I did pretty well,

although I don’t remember my scores. I mostly remember a long morning

in a stuffy room -- fill in the answer, erase the answer, fill in

another one, look at the clock.

One thing I do remember clearly is that there were two of my least

favorite questions of all questions -- the “two trains” questions.

“Two trains leave Chicago for St. Louis at the same time. One

train is going 40.5 mph and the other is going blah, blah, blah.”

I still have no idea how to do those. I’m not even sure either

train ever gets to St. Louis.

In those days, just before World War II, there were no SAT prep

courses, but it also wasn’t the big, stressful deal that it is today.

The SAT has been around a long time, and was developed by a

Princeton psychologist named Carl Brigham in the early 1920s.

But the greatest legacy of the SAT, in my humble opinion, is the

wonderfully creative answers that pop up every year in the verbal

skills section. When time is running out and the proctor is walking

toward you, it is amazing how fast you can express how little you

know about history, literature, religion and the arts.

Here, for your careful consideration, are just a few examples

collected from SAT and ACT tests over the years.

On geography: “Ancient Egypt was located in the Sarah Desert. The

climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live

elsewhere.”

On world religions: “In the first book of the Bible, called

Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their

children, Cain, asked, ‘Am I my brother’s son?’” And: “Moses led the

Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which

is bread made without ingredients. Moses then went up to Mount

Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.” And: “Solomon had many wives

and over a hundred porcupines.”

On ancient Greece: “The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and

without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths.”

And: “Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that

name.” And: “Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around

giving people advice. He died from drinking wedlock.” And: “In the

first Olympic games, the Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits

and threw the java.”

On great inventors: “Gutenberg invented removable type and the

Bible.” And: “Another important invention was the circulation of

blood.” And: “Sir Walter Raleigh is historical because he invented

cigarettes and started smoking.”

On literature: “In mid-evil times most people were alliterate. The

greatest writer in mid-evil times was Chaucer, who wrote poems and

verses and also wrote literature.” And: “The greatest writer of

English was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564 on his

birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his

plays. He also wrote poetry, mostly in Islamic pentameter.” And:

“Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.

Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a famous satire called

Candy.”

On American history: “During the Renaissance, America began.” And:

“Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America

while cursing the Atlantic in three ships, the Nina, the Pinta and

the Santa Fe.” And: “The Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was

called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the

settlers. Many people died and many babies were born, for which

Captain John Smith was responsible.” And: “Abraham Lincoln was

America’s greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy and he was

born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands.”

On world history: “Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She was a

moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the event that ended

her reign.” And: “The First World War was caused by the assignation

of the Arch-Duke by an anahist.”

And finally, on the arts: “Johann Bach wrote many musical

compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he

practiced for hours on an old spinster that he kept in his attic.

Bach died from 1750 to the present. He was the most famous composer

in the world. So was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian,

and half English. He was very large.”

And there you have it, class. A few excellent reasons to get those

essays in here at your earliest convenience. Knowledge is power.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].