Unhappy state of this union

MAXINE COHEN

I frequently get asked how I keep coming up with stuff to write

about. Truth is, I don’t. It finds me.

Like a couple of weeks ago.

I was in line at John Wayne airport, waiting to go through

security, when I heard, Zzzzzzzzip, zzzzzzzzzzzzip,” behind me.

A male voice said, “What’re you doing?”

I turned around. A woman was stuffing papers into a man’s duffel

bag. “These are for you so you know what’s going on if I have a

seizure or something,” she said.

“Cut it out,” he replied.

“I’m not kidding. You don’t have a clue. If something should

happen to me, you don’t even know what we’re doing,” she chastised

him.

“I know how to get a taxi and I know where home is.”

“And that’s about all you know. Away or at home!”

“Yes, Mommy,” he replied in a high little nonchalant voice.

Good start to a trip together, I thought to myself. These folks

are going to have one swell time.

Not that they’ve been having a swell time up until now.

Now, granted, I don’t know these people but there was a ton of

information in what I heard, so I’m going to make some assumptions

and weave a scenario that is mostly true.

For starters, the wife’s over-functioning and the man’s

under-functioning is an insidious dynamic that can, and seems to

have, destroyed much of the good feelings in their relationship.

To over-function means that she takes care of almost every aspect

of their life together. She said she takes care of the kids and she

obviously made the travel arrangements. She is probably also the one

who takes out the garbage, does the laundry, takes care of the pets,

does the dishes, helps with homework, etc.

You get the picture. She is trying her hardest to see that the

children are happy and healthy and the household runs smoothly. And

she may have a job, to boot.

The man is probably working long and hard to make sure the family

can afford all the advantages he wants them to have and that his wife

probably wants, too. He is tired when he comes home and doesn’t

understand, because it hasn’t been his life experience, that running

a household and taking care of children is a 24/7 job.

There is no ill intent on anyone’s part. But for a relationship

between spouses to work, it has to be based on equality, and this

dynamic turns the wife into a parent and the husband into a child.

The set-up for insanity occurred well before these two got

together.

He probably came from a home where there was at least one

over-bearing parent, i.e. a nagging mom or a demanding dad. So this

man learned to protect himself by zoning out, ignoring all the things

that needed to be done, and by taking his sweet time (if he didn’t

get punished for stalling).

She probably came from a home where she was either miss

goodie-two-shoes and took care of everyone in the family because her

parents were not doing an adequate job, or she was neglected and

learned to take care of (to “parent”) herself.

So these two people came together predisposed to over and under

function. The thing is, usually the man is not consciously being

unwilling to participate. He just doesn’t see the need -- the

overflowing garbage, the stuffed laundry baskets -- with the same

rapidity and focus that his wife does.

So when she sees it and asks for help, it replicates what he grew

up with and he doesn’t respond right away. That feels to her like no

one is taking adequate care of things, which replicates her

childhood. She can’t tolerate her anxiety so she asks again.

Now he’s triggered. If he does it now because she’s nagging, he

feels like a little boy again, and so he stalls some more. This

triggers her; she feels increasingly unsafe and finally takes care of

it herself. Then she feels resentful--”Why do I have to do everything

myself? Why can’t he help?” But he feels resentful, too: “It’s not a

crisis. Why is she nagging? I’ll get to it.”

It’s a no-win for both of them. She can’t not ask and he can’t not

stall.

As for the couple in line behind me, I know from the tone in which

they spoke to each other that she is angry and he won’t even engage

anymore, which means he has given up.

So what’s real here? It’s probably that she sees dire need where

there isn’t any and is too quick to ask, and he sees too little and

is too slow to act. It feels bigger than “it” is, given each of their

family backgrounds.

There’s no happy ending here, unless the two of them stop making

it the other one’s fault.

What has to happen is, each of them must understand how they

themselves are driving this dynamic. They must realize how they are

both locked into their own childhood dramas. Then perhaps they could

quiet their own anxiety, back off, and have some empathy for each

other’s struggle.

As for the couple in line, if she could have handed him the

itinerary and said, “Here honey. These are our plans. I think we’re

gonna have a good time,” and if he had responded, “OK. Let me see,”

I think that’s all it would have taken for their vacation to get off

to a good start.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

maxinecohenadelphia.net or at (949) 644-6435.