Hustled by ‘Kung Fu’ hype

Uncle Don

Did any of you suffer through “Sin City”? Now there was an overrated,

overlong, overblown waste of an hour’s pay that I yawned myself

through the other day. The trailers were good; the ads were good; the

reviews were great. I had hoped for the best.

Being a slow learner, I figgered I’d catch another flick with good

trailers, good ads and great reviews. I had hoped for the best.

Instead, I got to lose a significant percentage of my few remaining

brain cells while watching yet another dog.

This week’s barker was “Kung Fu Hustle.” And man, not only did it

Hoover, it Oreck’d, and it Shop-Vac’d.

Fans of overrated pretentious drivel like “Crouching Tiger, Hidden

Dragon” and “Kill Bill” (both parts) might find “Kung Fu Hustle” to

be just right for their shallow, vapid minds. Me, I’ve got more

sophisticated taste. Gimme Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet Li or any of

those horribly dubbed karate flicks you catch on cable now and then.

I’ll take any numbskull Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme waste

of celluloid rather than have to suffer through “Kung Fu Hustle”

again.

“Kung Fu Hustle” has your usual assortment of characters, with the

usual assortment of contrived superpowers. There’s a wide-mouthed,

wide-load, curler-encrusted dame who can bellow loud enough to drown

out the most vocal of liberal filibusters. Some clown called “The

Beast” catches bullets like a hypochondriac catches colds, easily and

often. A couple of bozos in shades fiddle around with a harp that,

with each note, flings out assorted weapons, ginsu knives,

miscellaneous kitchen gadgets from Ronco, and the like.

All the rest demonstrate alleged assorted masteries of esoteric

martial arts skills delineated by strange names and stranger acts.

Everyone hyperactively flops around like Chihuahuas on steroids.

Miscellaneous villagers and villains bounce off walls. There’s more

flying around on wires than in a few dozen productions of “Peter

Pan.” And enough eviscerations and garden-variety mutilations to make

Leatherface a happy camper.

Oh, but wait. Stupid me. I just didn’t get it.

“Kung Fu Hustle” is supposed to show homage. It’s supposed to

honor former stars of ‘60s martial arts films. It’s supposed to

parody other films. It’s supposed to be funny. It’s supposed to not

be a waste of my time and money.

It takes place in a cardboard and particleboard re-creation of

some decrepit Chinese apartment complex. Populated by knuckleheads,

losers, meatballs and yahoos, this architectural toilet is a

self-contained community complete with eateries, quackeries and

debaucheries.

This charming little community is called Pig Sty. There’s a buncha

Kung Fooling bad guys, known as the Axe gang, who want to take over

this hovel.

Clad in hats and tuxes, flitting around like they’re auditioning

for “Jailhouse Rock” and “West Side Story,” these martial arts

experts -- who look like they learned their partial arts via mail

order and videotape -- spawn mischief and mayhem among the miscreants

populating Pig Sty.

I assume there was a reason given for their reasons to take over

the joint, but I musta slept through that part. Hell, I slept through

most of the flick, and what I didn’t sleep through, I wished I had.

There were supposed to be some cool special effects. Somewhere.

Nothing any more advanced than I’d seen on “Battlestar Galactica”

back in the ‘70s. The acting was a joke, but you expect that from

martial arts flicks. There was some comedy. Somewhere.

The film was subtitled, which is a change for a mainstream film. A

bummer that was. What could possibly be funnier in a kung fu film

than mouths that don’t match the words?

Left me longing for another viewing of “The Postman.”

Schlock suey.

* UNCLE DON reviews B-rated movies and cheesy musical acts for the

Daily Pilot. He can be reached by e-mail at reallybad

[email protected].