Spam is not just a can of fat meat

PETER BUFFA

I get it. You get it. Everybody gets it. It’s called “spam.”

You mean the stuff in the blue can that’s square, sort of, and has

more fat than a Double Double, large fries, chocolate shake, two

Twinkies and a Moon Pie? No, I do not.

I mean those really, really interesting e-mail offers for

everything under the sun that show up every time you sign on, and you

can’t delete them fast enough, but they still drive you totally nuts

and make you write run-on sentences like this.

But we’re not talking about any old kind of spam. We’re talking

about “scam spam,” which is coming faster and thicker all the time. I

can’t be the only one getting it, can I? Sure hope not.

Why do I care about it? I care about it because con artists don’t

send this stuff out for fun. They do it because it works, which is to

say -- it makes money. Most of this stuff is so loopy and pathetic

and dumb that just the thought that anyone could be dull enough to

actually fall for it makes me worry a lot about the people I pass on

the street or stand behind in the checkout line.

Ever been to Nigeria? Neither have I. But I sure get a lot of mail

from there. It’s called the “Nigerian Oil Scam” and there are a

thousand variations of it. This thing has been around forever.

The first time I became aware of it was years ago --

pre-computers, pre-e-mail, pre-Costco, pre-everything -- when a

letter landed on my desk from Nigeria.

“That’s odd,” I thought.

But my name and address were handwritten on the envelope, so it

was obviously meant for me. I’ve gotten some e-mail versions of it

since then, but for some reason, there’s been an explosion of

Nigerian oil scam e-mails in the last few months.

They all start the same way, with a hush-hush, top-secret message

from some government official or bank officer who, for some

preposterous, convoluted reason, is trying to get a zillion dollars

out of the country and needs your “help.”

Here are some of the “people” from whom I’ve gotten e-mails just

in the last 10 days, and I am not making this up. There was “Mr. Jon

Williams, Director of Finance for the Nigerian National Petroleum

Corporation (NNPC).” And “Mr. Ifeanyi Ubah, Vice-President of the

Central Bank Of Nigeria Apex Bank.”

Apparently, one “bank” per bank is not enough in Nigeria.

Then there was “Dr. Samir Hassan, leading counsel to deposed

former president of Iraq Saddam Hussein.”

Good thing he specified which Saddam Hussein he was talking about

-- “the deposed former president of Iraq Saddam Hussein” -- because

for a minute I thought he meant the Saddam Hussein who plays for the

Cubs.

Then there was “Mr. Pete Williams, senior accountant, Union Bank

of Nigeria, Marina Branch, Lagos.” Must be Jon Williams’ cousin.

But here is my all-time favorite, hands down. “Dear Intending

Partner: I am Mrs. Suha Arafat, the wife of Yasser Arafat, the

Palestinian leader who died recently in Paris.”

Again, you gotta love the specifics: “ ... Yasser Arafat, the

Palestinian leader who died recently in Paris.” Oh OK, that Yasser

Arafat. Now I remember.

Next, there is the tease of some obscenely large amount of money:

” ... the sum of $47,500,000.00;” “ ... payment of US$28.5 million

dollars;” “ ... the sum of US$20.5 million dollars,” etc., etc.

Then comes the convoluted, hard-to-follow-problem: “an over

invoiced contract payment;” “unclaimed since 1993;” “in a suspense

account;” “passed away with no next-of-kin,” etc., etc.

And finally, the hook. If you agree to “help” them get this

windfall out of the country, you will receive 15%, 20%, 30%, pick a

number, of the loot. All you have to do is, “ ... provide at your

earliest convenience, your private telephone and fax numbers, the

address of your bank and account numbers.”

Let’s review. Some shady character in Nigeria has a zillion

dollars he wants to spirit out of the country, and with just over six

billion people in the world, he just cannot do it without me, on the

other side of the world, in a place called Costa Mesa, and my bank,

which is on a street called Harbor Boulevard. Sounds good so far!

But the misspellings and grammatical errors are the most

entertaining thing about these scams by far. All “Dr. Samir Hassan”

wants out of life is “ ... a private individual who will be willing

to keep some million of dollars stash in their private hoses.”

Dear Dr. Hassan: Thank you for e-mail of March 4. Finding a

private hose shouldn’t be a problem. Both my neighbors and I have

them. But I am puzzled as to how to get the “millions of dollars

stash” inside. Do we roll the bills up or just crumple them? Please

advise ... Peter Buffa, Director of Psychotic E-Mail Correspondence,

National Bank of Mesa Verde.

Or this, from “Mr. Ifeanyi Ubah”: “Sequel to this, fervent and

valuable efforts were made by Union Bank PLC.”

Dear Mr. Ubah: Thank you for your e-mail of March 11. I am

somewhat at a loss since I did not see the original, let alone the

sequel. I would advise that you make your valuable efforts more

fervent and contact me sequel to that. Regards ... Peter Buffa,

Minister of Petroleum Products, Republic of Newport-Mesa.

But sometimes the laughter turns to tears, as in this

heart-wrenching passage from “Mrs. Suha Arafat”: “Since his death, I

have been thrown into a state of antagonism, confusion, humiliation,

frustration and hopelessness by the present leadership of the

Palestinian Liberation Organization. I have lost confidence with

everybody in the country at the moment.”

Suha, honey, bubala ... you gotta get over it. I get into a state

of antagonism, confusion, humiliation, frustration and hopelessness

too sometimes, but I don’t let it get me down.

There you have it. Everything you never wanted to know about

Nigeria, oil and scams. Get those account numbers ready and sequel to

that, check those e-mails. Could be Nigeria calling.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].