Unique Valentine treats

As we once again approach Valentine’s Day, let us pause for a minute

to look at how we can best use this happy occasion to enrich our most

intimate love relationships. The hectic pace of our lives makes it

easy to dispense with Valentine’s Day with a cute card and a box of

candy or bouquet of roses. Or to dismiss the day altogether as just

another commercial gain for Hallmark and the candy industry.

While a card and gifts are the traditional way for many to say

“You are my Valentine,” this occasion can be used in a more conscious

and powerful way to communicate to our loved one how we feel. Don’t

let cards or gifts act as substitutes for putting your feelings into

words. Don’t be afraid to say, “I love you” loud and clear. It’s too

easy to let the prefabricated sentiments of a card do your talking

for you. Say it out of your own mouth--and then say it again. This is

especially important for longer-term marriages and committed couples,

where the significance of these words is all to easily glossed over.

Feel the words in your heart while you say them so that you may

connect more deeply than usual.

One way to nourish a love relationship on Valentine’s Day is to

plan a special dinner or outing where the focus is just on the two of

you, without any interruption from kids or work projects. Consider

using this special time to reaffirm your vows to each other, or to

create new vows for the rest of the year.

Do tell your partner what makes him or her special to you. You

can’t be too mushy on Valentine’s Day.

If you happen to be carrying any resentment toward your partner

into this day, consider letting it go. Consciously tell yourself that

this day is for opening your heart and releasing any hard feelings

that may have created distance from your loved one. If you are unable

to give up your resentment, it may be necessary to discuss with your

partner the need to get professional help to resolve your

differences.

No matter whether the problems lie in the areas of communication,

sexual incom- patibility, money matters, dealing with the kids or

leisure time civilities, don’t be afraid to confront these problems

directly. Valentines’ Day is a good oppor- tunity to honestly and

lovingly reflect on where your relation- ship is and where it is

going.

If you are single and not dating or involved in a relationship,

use this day to be especially kind and loving to yourself. Resist the

temptation to feel left out or depressed just because you are alone

and not with a partner. Remember that “loved ones” means children,

friends and family -- not just romantic partners. My mother used to

send me a Valentine Day’s card every year once I left home.

Enjoy this happy day and remember the meaning of love, commitment

and the playful side of life. Catch that glimpse of love shining from

your partner’s eyes and let it soak in longer than usual.

STEVEN HENDLIN

Corona del Mar

* EDITOR’S NOTE: Steven Hendlin is a clinical psychologist in

Newport Beach.