What starts as a polite gesture can build resentment

MAXINE COHEN

Arlene called. She is my mother’s third husband’s son’s wife (now

that’s a mouthful). Arlene checks in with me on a regular basis, as

much a gesture of caring for me as it is her wanting to feel

connected. Especially lately.

Arlene has been having a lot of medical problems -- brain surgery,

the loss of sight in her right eye, gallstones and thyroid surgery.

It’s more than one person should have to handle. So when she calls

and leaves a message, I try hard to call her back right away.

When I reached her, she had just gotten off the phone with her

youngest daughter. I could hear the frustration in her voice.

“You bet I’m frustrated,” she said. “I rarely hear from Zoe, at

least certainly not as much as I’d like to. And when I ask her to

call more often, she always snaps, ‘Stop it, Mom. Don’t make me feel

guilty.’ So I say nothing for a while until I can’t stand it any

longer, and then we get into it.”

“What are you feeling when you don’t hear from her?” I asked.

“Like I’d like to choke her and then she couldn’t speak at all,”

laughed Arlene.

Arlene was disappointed. The problem was in how she expressed it

to Zoe -- how she approached her daughter in the rare conversations

they did have.

Telling her to call more is about her, I told Arlene. Feeling

disappointed is about you, and you always have a right to say how you

feel, if you can say it cleanly. If you say it with the hidden

intention of wanting to make her feel like a selfish child who’s not

paying Mom the attention she deserves, that will come through. And

no, you probably shouldn’t say anything then because you don’t have

the right to lay a guilt trip on her. But if you can talk about your

disappointment with an open heart, then there’s no reason not to, I

said.

“I’ve had so many things happen to me in the last year that I

really feel like I need to hear from her more often, so I guess part

of what she’s reacting to is my neediness right now,” Arlene said.

But I also have to say on my own behalf that she calls very little,

and we’ve been having this same conversation for several years before

all this medical stuff happened, so it’s not just that.”

OK. Some of this was clean and some was guilt-inducing. Arlene

could tell her about that, too. Mostly, strong feelings do have more

than one aspect to them.

I talked to Arlene about the difference between making a demand

and making a request. We can ask someone to do something for us in

the sweetest of all voices, but the tone of voice and the choice of

words won’t tell you which category it falls into. It’s when the

person is not willing to do what you’ve asked that they (and you)

find out whether you’ve made a request or a demand. If you’re OK with

a ‘no,’ then it’s a request. If you’re not, then it’s a demand. And

since no one wants to be demanded of, they will either resist or

comply. The demand takes away their ability to simply act in the way

they want.

“Do you want to demand that Zoe call you?” I asked. “Do you want

her to call when she really doesn’t want to, simply out of duty?

You’d hear it in her voice right away and I’d think it’d destroy all

the goodness in the phone call, so you still wouldn’t have gotten

what you wanted, would you?” Arlene agreed she wouldn’t have gotten

what she wanted but wondered if she was still stuck with few phone

calls until Zoe had a change of heart.

When you feel demanded of and you comply, and do what you really

don’t want to do, you feel resentful. You feel angry at that person

for putting you in a bind. Resentment is such a strong feeling that

it can be hard to experience what is happening in that very moment,

which might actually be OK with you.

Guilt is always paired with resentment.

When you feel demanded of and you refuse to do something you don’t

want to do, you feel guilty, like you’re being selfish, putting what

you want first. But selfishness is not a discreet event. It is a

pattern of behavior where, over and over, you ignore what someone

else wants and do what you want instead.

It’s interesting that Zoe chooses to resist and feel guilty rather

than comply. Most people (me included!) choose to feel resentful and

give in rather than feel guilty. It’s more painful to tolerate

feeling guilty, because guilt is a feeling directed at the self,

whereas resentment is a feeling directed at the other person.

* MAXINE COHEN is a Corona del Mar resident and marriage and

family therapist practicing in Newport Beach. She can be reached at

[email protected] or at (949) 644-6435.