Resolute predictions for 2005

PETER BUFFA

It is done. You made it. I am so proud of you. Another round of

holiday-induced rapture has come to a close. Was everything perfect?

I knew it would be. But it’s time to move on, start over, get on with

it. It is a new year, a new day, a new lease on life. It isn’t

really, of course, but if it makes us feel good to pretend that Jan.

1 is more important than May 12 or Oct. 9, what’s the harm?

You’ll keep all those New Year’s resolutions, I’m sure -- lose

some weight, get organized and be so healthy it’ll be sickening.

But as you know, a brand new, still-shiny year means one more

thing: the annual Peter “How-on-Earth-Does-He-Know-That?” Buffa

predictions. Can I really tell the future? Please. I see things. I

hear things. Sometimes I see things and I hear things. Wait. I

thought I heard something. Never mind. Ready? Pay attention. This

will go fast.

On Feb. 4, Greg Haidl will take an OCTA bus for a joyride and lead

police on a low-speed chase from Newport Beach to Aliso Viejo, up the

241 Toll Road to the 91 Freeway, south through Yorba Linda, Anaheim

Hills, Tustin and Irvine, then flip the bus over trying to get off

the 55 Freeway at MacArthur Boulevard, slamming into 12 cars at the

base of the ramp. When the judge asks him why he did it, Haidl will

say, “Sorry. Forgot.”

On June 13, John Hessler, 53, of Cameo Shores will be killed

instantly at Costco when a 75-pound jar of dill pickles topples from

a shelf above his head. “It’s so unfair,” his wife, Edna, will tell

reporters. “He didn’t even like dill pickles. He only ate sweet

gherkins, you know, the little ones, from Heinz.”

March 19 will mark the 100th episode of “The OC.” In a

gut-wrenching hour of emotional twists and turns, just as Ryan works

up the courage to tell Marissa what Lindsay and Alex were doing with

Seth when Kristen found them all in the restroom at Gulf Stream,

Marissa actually has a thought and has to be rushed to the hospital,

clutching her head in both hands and screaming “Ohmigod it like hurts

so bad!”

On April 11, Angels owner Arte Moreno will unveil his team’s new

name -- The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and All of Southern

California No Matter What County, and their new song, “It’s Great to

be a Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and All of Southern California No

Matter What County Fan.”

On Sept. 23, the price of gas will finally reach $5 a gallon, with

no apparent explanation. When pressed, an oil company spokesman will

explain, “It’s because of a refinery fire in Enid, Okla., which means

that rack prices for unbranded in some counties are above those for

branded, and possibly those of dealer tank wagon, while in other

counties, branded rack prices exhibit their traditional relationship

of being higher than unbranded.” To which the rest of us will say,

“Oh, OK.”

During May sweeps, Fox will unveil the mother of all reality TV

shows, “Fear Factor of Surviving the Bachelorette and Her Big Fat

Obnoxious Fiance and Their Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.” In late

summer, Universal will release “Meet the Fockers’ Parents” starring

Elizabeth Taylor and Red Buttons as Dustin Hoffman and Barbara

Streisand’s mother and father.

On July 20, a team of researchers at UC Irvine will release a

study called “Fruits & Vegetables: The Silent Killers.” Weeks later,

Bayer will be forced to remove aspirin from the market after an FDA

study proves that force-feeding 100 aspirin a day to lab mice greatly

increases the possibility of heart attack and stroke and gives them

really bad gas.

In a press conference at the Beckman Institute on Aug. 5, a

research team will explain why you can’t tickle yourself and how to

get the orange stuff off your fingers when you eat Cheetos.

The global warming crisis will reach critical mass by the end of

2005, with more record-breaking cold spells and snowstorms across the

country.

On June 15, while awaiting trial for the bus hijacking, Greg Haidl

will be arrested for trying to get through security at John Wayne

Airport with a loaded .45-caliber Glock and a 9-inch survival knife.

When the judge asks him why he did it, Haidl will say, “Forgot.

Sorry.”

On Dec. 1, the 400th Starbucks will open in Newport-Mesa. On May

7, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will sign a law making it a felony to

mention the names “Paris Hilton,” “Britney Spears” or “Dennis Rodman”

in the state of California.

And on the last day of August, a 750-square-foot house in Corona

del Mar will sell for $993,700 but will fall out of escrow when

someone realizes it’s an equipment box for Southern California

Edison.

That’s all I can see for now. But this much I can tell you.

Whatever happens between now and Jan. 1, 2006, we’ll laugh a little,

cry a little, and we’ll get through it, one way or another, for

better or worse.

I gotta go.