Acknowledging fear is key in bravery

CHERRIL DOTY

“The next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky.”

-- Pema Chodron, from “When Things Fall Apart”

A young woman was taking her daughter to get the required

immunizations to enter school. The child, frightened by the idea of

shots, was nervous about the visit, but the mother had calmed her.

She thought.

Noticing an extraordinary silence from the usually talkative child

in the back seat, the mother turned briefly to check on her daughter.

Tears were streaming down the child’s face.

“What’s wrong, honey?” asked the mother.

Gulping back her tears, the girl answered. “Mommy ... Sometimes

it’s very hard to be brave.

How often we lose sight of this basic truth. Sometimes it IS very

hard to be brave. This is as true for adults as it is for children.

And it is good to remember.

My friend Cathy had been told the story of this child by a

co-worker. The story was a gift to Cathy, giving her a kind of

permission to be afraid. Cathy was facing her own trials and, even

though her intellect was simply going forward, taking care of

business, I think it was important to acknowledge her own fears. By

locating what she feared and admitting that she was afraid she opened

herself to her own vulnerability and a greater acceptance and

possibility for her own strengths.

Being brave is not about knowing no fear, but rather it is a way

of being with and in fear. When we humans are fearful, we generally

fight, take flight, or freeze in place. Much of this is automatic

response. However, we can change this.

To deny our own fear, while sometimes looking brave, is really

just denial, nothing more. It is a form of flight. In denial we

become isolated from our own feelings and thus cut off from their

usefulness to us. Our very awareness is curtailed and responses may

be limited to reactive ones, having nothing to do with who and how we

want to be.

Another automatic response -- this one in the fight mode -- might

be anger. There is a saying about anger. When I am angry three things

are true: I want something I am not getting. I want someone to take

care of this. I am about to do or say something that will guarantee I

won’t get it.

We have all seen blustering anger masquerading as bravado. Again,

not what we would choose for ourselves and not really effective.

And to freeze in the face of fear -- unable to make any move --

leaves us to the whim of circumstance and completely powerless. This

automatic response is really an abdication, another form of the

flight mechanism.

If we do not face our fears, they seem to have a tendency to

multiply and even at times take over. It is only through locating the

fears and picking our way through the mine field of them that we

become strong. The positive, chosen actions that are true to our

intention for our lives bring with them further courage, strength and

flexibility. These actions produce a power like no other--the power

of self-efficacy.

So yes, it is sometimes very hard to be brave, but well worth the

intentional undertaking of the conquest of fear. To be brave often is

viewed as indicating a lack of fear. In fact, bravery is a resolute

mastery of fear and intelligent use of our faculties in the very face

of it. And that is, truly, sometimes very hard. Out of the mouths of

babes!

* CHERRIL DOTY is a creative living coach, writer, artist, and

walker who lives and works in Laguna Beach. To schedule a coaching

session or to comment, contact her by e-mail at [email protected] or

by phone at (949) 251-3993.