On Claudius the Stupid and tales of pagan woo

DAVID SILVA

Valentine’s Day is one of those big mystery holidays we get on board

with every year but have only the dimmest notion of why we’re

celebrating. But we celebrate it nonetheless, spending huge amounts

of money every Feb. 14 on cards, chocolates, flowers, fancy dinners

out and bed-and-breakfasts.

Add to that all the hidden back-end costs, such as lawyers’ fees

and restraining orders, and you’ve got yourself one massively

expensive holiday. But the question of how Valentine’s Day began is

one most of us couldn’t answer for $1 million and three lifelines

left. In that sense, the holiday is like love itself: It makes us do

a lot of silly things for reasons we simply can’t explain.

Everyone in America participates in Valentine’s, from

schoolchildren given time out from study to pass cards to one

another, to delivery drivers flooring it through their routes so they

can shower in time for their own big dates, to seniors swaying to the

sounds of Sinatra at the recreation center dance.

Even the legions of the newly dumped will, in a strange sense,

observe Valentine’s, as they do whatever depressing thing they’ll do

to avoid the holiday. Because the origin of Valentine’s Day is a very

sad story, indeed.

A lot of people dismiss Valentine’s as another “Hallmark holiday,”

created solely for commercial purposes. One can almost picture an

annual convening of greeting card executives and bad poets in the

Thomas Kinkade board room come to pull and shake the reins of their

vast conspiracy.

I don’t doubt that Hallmark shareholders dance a merry little jig

every Feb. 15. One billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent every year,

and the tradition is celebrated in at least five countries around the

world.

But the plain fact is the holiday actually predates Hallmark Cards

by more than 1,700 years, going back to the early days of the

Catholic Church. Indeed, the roots of the holiday run well into the

Age of Rome.

There’s some debate over how exactly Valentine’s Day began, but

one dusty legend appears to hold all the elements of the holiday as

we know it today.

About 1,740 years ago, there lived the Roman Emperor Claudius II,

also known as Claudius Gothicus, also known as Claudius the Cruel,

because he had a bad habit of getting his people into a lot of bloody

and unnecessary wars.

When his supply of soldiers began to run low, Claudius came up

with the swell idea of forbidding young Roman males to marry so he

could then press the lads into military service. This move won him

the further title in the public relations world of Claudius the

Stupid.

Everyone hated Claudius II, but no one despised him more than the

church, which issued orders to the devout to ignore the emperor’s ban

on matrimony. Eager to follow this edict was a hot-blooded priest

named Valentine, who let it be known throughout the realm that he

would gladly tie the knot for young nuptials anytime, anywhere.

His illegal services were so well known that he was soon arrested

and thrown in prison, and a furious Claudius issued a warrant for

Valentine to be clubbed to death and then beheaded for good measure.

But the imprisoned Valentine’s luck wasn’t entirely bad. He soon

found himself doubly captivated when he laid eyes for the first time

on the prison guard’s beautiful young daughter, who was apparently

allowed to roam the prison unattended by her father for reasons

you’ll just have to take up with him.

Need I relate what happened next when it’s the oldest story in the

world? A woman. A priest. The passion-enflaming sounds and smells of

a 3rd-century Roman dungeon. Something was bound to happen. And it

did.

But as one might expect in a tale of Christian lovers in an

uncaring pagan world, the story does not end well. Daughter or no,

the jailer had his orders, and as the amorous priest was about to be

executed, he penned a note and asked his captors to deliver it to his

beloved.

The note read simply: “From your Valentine.”

Whether the note was actually delivered to the prison guard’s

daughter is lost to the sands of history. I suppose it’s possible the

message was intercepted by an ambitious young clerk named Hallmarkus,

who immediately rushed off to find a patent office. But what is known

for certain is that Valentine’s fate was related to the pope, who

said, “I love this story! It’s got faith! It’s got romance! Let’s

make this guy a saint and start an international holiday!”

So Valentine was canonized and over the centuries became the

patron saint of lovers. In 498 A.D., Pope Gelasius officially set

Valentine’s Day on Feb. 14, some say to coincide with the Roman

fertility festival of Lupercalia. On that day, Romans paid homage to

Juno, the goddess of women and marriage, by tossing grain and salt

throughout their homes and running around hitting the objects of

their affection with bloody goatskins.

There’s a bit of historical trivia that should give you a finer

appreciation for greeting cards.

Thus ends our story of the origin of Valentine’s Day, a tale full

of forbidden love, totalitarian excess, decapitation and pagan woo.

Remember it as you set out for that romantic evening of candlelit

dinner and slow dancing under the stars.

And don’t forget to bring your goatskin.

* DAVID SILVA is a Times Community News editor. Reach him at (909)

484-7019 or by e-mail at [email protected].