Fight on for that one Christmas wish

LOLITA HARPER

Dear Santa,

Hi. Remember me? It’s Lolita Harper, from Costa Mesa. I know I

haven’t written you in a long time but my son, Donovan, and I stopped

by the mall the other day to visit you. I was the one in the black

top, grumbling about having to pay $15 for a Polaroid picture in a

flimsy, construction-paper frame. Ring any bells?

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with you because I have just one

simple request. All I want for Christmas is a National Championship

for the USC football team.

I know your usual criteria for granting Christmas wishes -- the

whole naughty and nice thing -- but we can’t undo the hands of time,

so I have formulated the following list of reasons to bend the rules

a little and grant my wish anyway.

1. I represent a bunch of nice people.

Trust me, Santa, when I say I am not the only person who wants

this for Christmas. Think of how many names you could cross off your

list with one fell swoop. There are the 100-or-so football players,

the coaching staff, the Trojan athletic department, all the school’s

students -- present and past -- and the thousands of other adopted

Trojans all over the world.

Might I remind you that USC was ranked the No. 1 college in the nation in 2000 by Time magazine because of its tremendous community

outreach. Thousands and thousands of volunteer hours have been spent

by students and faculty members to get involved with and help those

in the surrounding Los Angeles area.

That’s pretty nice, huh?

If you need a little more niceness, I offer you the following

statement by Daily Pilot receptionist Nancy Hopper. She is just about

the nicest person I know, always greeting those who walk through the

front door with a smile and a kind word. Nancy told me she has been a

Trojan fan since her days on the Los Angeles campus -- “long before

[I] was a gleam in [my] father’s eye,” she said.

“Of course I want that national championship,” Nancy said. “We’ve

waited so long and had to suffer through the Larry Smiths and the

Paul Hackets and John Robinson -- on the second time around. We

deserve it this year.”

2. You’ve always been a proponent of the human touch.

We all know that the BS, I mean, the BCS (Bowl Championship

Series) is seriously flawed. C’mon Santa, the National Championship

has been determined by a computer with a faulty microchip. USC was

ranked the No. 1 in the Associated Press poll -- determined by human

sports writers -- and the coaches’ poll. The Trojans deserve that

championship.

I know, Santa, that you have felt pressure in your own

organization to turn production over to computers and machines. It

was rumored in the early 1990s that the North Pole Board of Directors

even threatened to replace you if you did not streamline

manufacturing and start laying off some of your “little helpers.” But

you held your ground, knowing that no machine can add the special

magic to toys that live elves can.

It is in that same spirit that I ask you to give the championship

to the people’s choice -- USC.

3. Questionable labor practices at the workshop.

I didn’t want to resort to this one but if the first two reasons

aren’t enough, I must. (I’m only naughty when I have to be.) As you

are aware, I am a member of that “liberal media.” You know, those

journalists who have grandiose plans of manipulating the masses and

some day taking over the world. (Bwa, ha, ha, ha!)

For years now, our industry has ignored evidence of possible labor

violations at the North Pole. Widespread accounts of 20-hour workdays

with no overtime; ridiculous dress code issues and discrimination of

those over 4 feet 2 inches tall. For the most part, we trust Santa

would never treat his beloved elves maliciously. But when undeserving

teams receive the gift of playing for an NCAA National Championship,

we begin to wonder what’s really going on under the veil of goodwill.

4. My managing editor, S.J. Cahn -- you know, the Notre Dame

alumnus -- is lapping up the fact that SC got robbed. If you grant my

wish, you can save yourself the trouble of putting a lump of coal in

his stocking and thus getting your nice white gloves dirty. Just a

thought.

All in all, Santa, it is just fair that the Trojans get the top

billing -- or the opportunity to play for it, at the very least. I

ask that you intervene with a little holiday magic and make this wish

come true.

Fight on,

Lolita Harper

* LOLITA HARPER writes columns Wednesdays and Fridays. She may be

reached at (949) 574-4275 or by e-mail at [email protected].