She bricked that sentence

JUNE CASAGRANDE

In a promo for “Good Day L.A.,” morning news clown Jillian

Barberierecalls a time she hit a sofa with her car.

“I should’ve went back and killed it,” she says.

Now, before I go any further (remember it’s “further,” not

“farther,” because the latter refers only to physical distances), I

should explain something. The only reason I even know Barberie’s show

exists is because they promote it heavily during “The Simpsons”

reruns on Fox. As I’ve written before, I’m hopelessly and happily

addicted to “The Simpsons.”

The price to pay for this addiction is unwelcome exposure to

Carl’s Jr. ads (is it just me, or are they getting more offensive by

the minute?) and, of course, Jillian, Dorothy and Steve all up in my

face all the time.

Though I’ve never seen the show, it’s pretty easy to tell by their

nonstop promos that, not only are they not “CBS World News Tonight,”

but they’re a quintessential example of what I call

“journu-tainment.”

Ironically, I recently wrote a “Simpsons” script for my own

entertainment that included a sweet little burn on TV “journalists.”

In my script (which I’m sure will never see the light of day),

Channel 6 reporter Kent Brockman walks up to a print reporter asking

an incisive question, whacks him on the head with his microphone then

barges in on the interview to ask a fluffy softball question. As Kent

steps over the print reporter twitching on the ground, he says,

“Pfft! You call yourself a news man? Look at that tie!”

Seethe, seethe, jab, needle.

Excuse me. Where was I? Oh, yes.

Jillian “should have went.”

When I hear teenagers make this mistake, I cringe just a little.

When I hear six-figure-earning (I’m guessing here) TV “news” people

make this mistake, well, suddenly it seems silly to point fingers at

teenagers.

“Went” is the simple past tense of “to go.” I go to real sources

for my news; I went to the mall to look for a pair of leopard-print

stretch pants in order to emulate my favorite newswoman.

The compound past tense of “to go” in many cases is “have gone.” I

should have gone to English class instead of hanging out with the

frat boys all day and bragging about my bright future in

broadcasting. “Gone” is the past participle. The name “participle” is

a tip off that it’s just part of a complete verb, which is formed in

this case with the auxiliary verb, “have.” I have gone. Not, I have

went.

It’s the same thing as, “Jillian drinks,” “Jillian drank,”

“Jillian has drunk” and “Jillian should have drunk.” (If you’re in

the mood for a little creative fun, do as I’m doing and imagine all

the things she should have drunk.) In this usage, “drunk” is a

participle. More commonly, it’s used as an adjective, “Who was that

drunk girl at all the frat parties?”

Often, the participle is the same as the simpler tense. I turned

off my TV immediately. I have turned off my TV for this reason many

times before. Still other times, it’s crystal clear how to use

compound tenses correctly. I threw a brick at my TV. I should have

thrown a cinderblock instead.

I actually met Jillian years ago in Miami Beach, back when her

name was Jillian Warry. She filmed a cutesy segment on me for the

Miami Fox affiliate where she worked. The segment was about there

being no waves in Miami and therefore no place to surf. I had just

bought a surfboard at a yard sale and was the foil for her little

segment.

She and the cameraman drove me and my huge surfboard down to the

end of the beach almost a mile away from my home, filmed some goofy

footage of me answering questions in front of a waveless ocean, then

left me there with a heavy and awkward surfboard I had to haul all

the way home on foot. And, after all that, I’m pretty sure the

segment never aired. Now, more than 10 years later, my bitterness

lives on.

Jillian should have went back and got me.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE covers Newport Beach and John Wayne Airport. She

may be reached at (949) 574-4232 or by e-mail at

[email protected].