Fair attendance counts vary

In high school, we were told that algebra and geometry were required

to get into college. So my friends and I took the courses, not really

understanding why we had to learn something we were absolutely

certain would do us no good later in life.

A couple of those friends, Terry (a.k.a. the “Catman”) and Fred,

are lawyers. Mark is a doctor, Nate is immersed in the family

business, Brad owns a successful business and I am a writer, despite

the protests of many readers to the contrary. Oh, then there’s Rick.

Fred is certain that Rick is a spy.

We’ve got very different professions, but we have at least one

thing in common: none of us is using algebra or geometry and have not

done so since Mrs. Patterson’s high school class.

A few days ago, however, I was wishing I’d paid more attention to

math in high school. According to a story in the Daily Pilot,

attendance at the Orange County Fair is down from last year. Then

came the numbers. Let’s see, the fair is open a few more days this

year, so that should add people. But then it’s closed on Mondays, so

we have to subtract for that. But we can add people thanks to the

reopening of the very cool Pacific Amphitheatre, but those people are

nullified by the visitors who are staying away because of the

accidents that have been reported.

In a heartbeat, I saw this arithmetic being taught in front of a

blackboard by “Professor” Irwin Corey, the inventor of math’s most

important theorem, “less is more,” who was explaining why the

hypotenuse is equal to the cosign of radius. I blacked out.

The bottom line for us mathematically challenged folk is that fair

attendance is not down. It can’t be, not when I’ve gone three times

and had to walk from my parking spot in Fullerton each time to get

there.

If attendance is down, who are all those people parking their cars

in the biggest lot outside of Disneyland? And if fewer people are

going, why are there more people at the corn stand?

To be honest, two of our trips were brief. Cay and I had tickets

to two shows at the Pacific Amphitheatre, so we spent a little time

at the fair before or after each one.

The first time we went, it was a family affair. The kids brought

friends Hayes Thornton and Michael Markovsky, and the parents brought

100 ride tickets and cash. The plan was simple. Since we had two cell

phones and a pair of walkie-talkies, my wife and I at some point were

going to let the kids go off on their own and meet us back at a

designated spot at a predetermined time. One of our kids had a phone,

the other had a walkie-talkie -- lifelines, so to speak.

Balls and chains is more like it. In less than 15 minutes, one kid

was squawking into the walkie-talkie asking us where we were and

trying to arrange a meeting. No dice, we said, go have fun without

us.

Fifteen minutes later, right in the middle of a cinnamon roll, the

other kid calls on the phone. “We’re out of tickets!”

“What?!” I said, with a mixture of anger and disbelief. “How could

you have run out of tickets so quickly?” The reply involved

multiplying the number of tickets required for each ride by the

number of rides taken multiplied by the number of kids in the party,

but that meant math, and I shut down. “Meet us at the dance floor,

and we’ll give you some more,” I said.

Darn kids, they’ve finally figured out my strongest weakness.

So, back we went, all the way across the fair to the meeting spot,

where I distributed more tickets. I emptied my pockets of tickets.

“Go,” I said, “Have fun.”

The next call came in about 10 minutes later. “We’re out of

money!”

Somewhere, I know I read that these walkie-talkies, cell phones

and similar communication devices were ideal for family situations

such as the Orange County Fair. “Never lose your child!” screamed one

ad. “Safety assured!” read another.

Ha! All we’ve gotten with those darn things is annoyances. Just

when we thought we were free at last, technology steps in and makes

yet another mess of things.

I want to go back to the fair tomorrow. I haven’t thrown away a

single dollar at a midway game or gone on one ride. All I’ve been

doing is handing over our cash and ride tickets.

If we go, I’m going to buy a ride wristband if it’s available so I

don’t have to count tickets and I’m going to take a taxi or ride my

bike so I don’t have to walk past thousands of cars and wonder about

attendance figures.

And here’s some math for Mrs. Patterson: Two fewer cell phones

minus two walkie-talkies equals more fun.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer.

Readers may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at

(949) 642-6086.