Before you go tossing your cap

Dean McGillicuddy, distinguished faculty, proud parents and, of

course, graduates:

Once again, it is time in Newport-Mesa Land for the commencement

speech that will never be given, from the commencement speaker who

will never be asked to give it.

You, my antsy little graduating friends, have worked hard to claim

your seat here today. And if you haven’t claimed it yet, just sit

down anywhere, you’re buggin’ me. If only you could see yourselves as

we see you at this moment ... wearing a dress and a goofy square hat

with a limp yellow pom-pom dangling from it -- you’d want to crawl in

a hole.

You are about to cross one more of life’s thresholds, and the

questions that you desperately want answered are the same questions

that faced your parents, your grandparents, your great-grandparents,

your great-great-grandparents, your great-great-great-grandparents,

and your cousin. These are the questions that matter -- the questions

about life, love, living and liposuction.

Here, in one, seemingly interminable speech, is everything you

need to know. Listen carefully. This is important.

Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and

Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Frank

Faylen played Ernie and Ward Bond played Burt. Bond appeared in a

slew of westerns, but was best know as “Major Adams” on the 1950s

series, “Wagon Train.”

Maine is the only state whose name has just one syllable. “Dreamt”

is the only English word that ends in “mt.” And -- write this down --

tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous are the only four

English words that end in “dous.”

When he first heard the government was coming after him for income

tax invasion, Al Capone offered an interesting legal theory: “The

income tax law is a lot of bunk. The government can’t collect legal

taxes from illegal money.” On Oct. 17, 1931, Al Capone was sentenced

to 11 years in federal prison for income tax evasion.

Thirty-five percent of people who use personal ads to find dates

are already married. It’s impossible to lick your elbow. Try it. What

the heck do the lyrics in Don McLean’s “Bye Bye, Miss American Pie”

really mean?

Pay attention, because this is hard, unlike your classes -- and

for the last time, you in the back, put away the canned string. Don’t

make me come down there.

“American Pie” was the name of the small plane in which Buddy

Holly died on February 3, 1959, along with Richie Valens (“La Bamba”)

and the Big Bopper, whose real name was J.P. Richardson. McLean

considered that date “the day the music died.” To honor the legendary

trio, he turned the title of Buddy Holly’s biggest hit -- “That’ll Be

the Day” -- into the line “This’ll be the day that I die.” The rest

of the lyrics are not nearly as romantic, but they are very, very

clever.

Don McLean grew up and sowed his wild oats (it means “partied”) in

New Rochelle, which is in Westchester County just north of New York

City, a few minutes from Scarsdale, which is where my daughter lives.

Does that have anything to do with Don McLean? It does not.

McLean and his buddies used to party (it means “sowed their wild

oats”) at a bar called the Levee in New Rochelle, and they were not

amused when the place closed down one day without warning. Thus,

“Drove my Chevy to the Levee, but the Levee was dry.”

Get it? It was a bar, but it closed, so it was dry? And all this

time, your parents thought he was saying, “Drove my Chevy to the

levee, but the levee was dry,” which no one could ever figure out.

Looking for a new hangout, McLean and his pals found a bar they

liked in the next town -- Rye, New York -- where my wife and I just

happened to be a couple of weeks ago, and where I spent much of my

misspent youth, at Playland amusement park on Rye Beach. So what does

that have to do with McLean? Nothing.

But while your parents thought he was saying, “Them good ol’ boys

were drinking whiskey and rye,” what he was really saying was, “Them

good ol’ boys were drinking whiskey in Rye.” How clever is that?

Did you learn anything this useful in the four to eight years of

whatever it is you’ve been doing here? I say you did not.

Here’s something you might actually remember, but I doubt it.

Remember the movie “Big” with Tom Hanks? He’s a kid who can’t wait to

grow up? He makes a wish at a cheesy fortune telling machine on an

amusement park boardwalk? His wish comes true? Anyone? Hello? Anyway,

that’s the boardwalk at Playland in Rye.

Let’s see. What else?

I’ve told you about a hundred times, don’t buy discount coupon

books. You’ll never, ever use them. And never, ever buy anything over

the phone. I can’t stress this enough. To me, the two biggest

problems we face today are international terrorism and telemarketing.

Some nights, it’s a tossup.

I guess that’s about it. I’m almost out of time. There are other

questions, no less important, that you’ll have to figure out

yourself. Why can’t you tickle yourself? Can you go through the 10

items or less line with a dozen eggs?

Speaking of 10s, why do they only put up pictures of the “10 Most

Wanted” in the Post Office? Are we supposed to write to them?

If winners never quit and quitters never win, who came up with

“Quit while you’re ahead”?

I have no more to tell you, I wish you well, and the girl in Row

12 who is still trying to lick her elbow -- you can stop now.

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached by e-mail at [email protected].