Passing time in the canyon

What’s so Funny

Someday, no doubt, Laguna Canyon Road will be wider and safer, and

we’ll all be that much happier, but as the re-routing proceeds, you

may often find yourself in a trail of cars moving down the canyon

slower than a conga line.

Here are some tips on how to pass the time when you’re stuck.

We’ll assume you’re desperate: the cell phone battery is low, your

audio book is a snore, your CDs are played out, and the radio is

staticky.

You’re trapped. You don’t have road rage; you have road anguish.

Road despair.

Well, maybe you can’t drive, but you can ...

* Flex your stomach muscles. I once read that Roger Moore (James

Bond, Simon Templar, Beau Maverick) did this at stoplights to keep

fit. By the time the road improvement is finished, you should look

like a Marvel superhero.

* Imagine yourself on the road crew. Picture yourself involved in

the daily give-and- take, the rivalries and friendships, the laughter

and the repressed tears, the injuries. Make a mental TV series out of

it, sketching out the first six episodes. (The crew digs up a strange

bone; the crew encounters some primitive lake people.)

* Examine yourself in the rear-view mirror. See how you look when

all your neck tendons are standing out.

* Make up a song using the letters and numbers in the license

plate ahead of you.

* Catch up on your reading. There’s no reason you can’t do this

when you’re at a dead stop. (On the issue of reading while inching

forward, however, road safety experts agree: Don’t do it. It takes

yo-yo eyes -- you have to read a phrase or two, then look up. Get

engrossed, and you end up in someone’s trunk. Don’t be one of those

readers you hear about -- the ones who live on the edge.)

* Study the driver behind you in the rear-view mirror. Make up a

back-story for him or her.

* The driver in front may be checking you out in the rear-view,

so face forward and mouth the words “I love you” a few times, aiding

it with gestures. Then, grasping your steering wheel, start rocking

forward and back, slowly at first and then faster and faster until

your whole vehicle is shaking.

By this time, flexing, fantasizing, singing and shaking, you

should see the Sawdust Festival grounds on your left, and a boring

ordeal will have been transformed into a lively, memorable experience

for you.

And, quite possibly, the driver in front of you.

* SHERWOOD KIRALY is a work in progress.