Handy tips on how to vote any election

I know you hate it. But we have to do it. It is time.

“For what?” you ask.

“For the Campaign 2002 Peter B. Election Handbook,” I answer. Pay

attention. This is important.

Section 1 -- “Selecting a Candidate.” I can’t believe how many

people fret and stress over picking a candidate. I just don’t get it.

It is so easy. Remember, just read the campaign mail and listen to

the commercials. Everything in them is true. It has to be. It’s the

law.

Personally, I find the commercials especially helpful. Never vote

for the people who are in black and white and have a sour look on

their face and move in slow motion with spooky, ominous music in the

background. Only vote for the people who are in color and smile a lot

and move at normal speed and hug somebody, anybody, with inspiring,

uplifting music in the background.

Let’s go right to the big one: Section 1A -- “Governor of

California.” Simple. Just pick the candidate who repulses you less.

Section 1B -- “All Other Races.” This takes a little more work.

Only vote for people whose campaign mail has a picture of one or more

of the following: a fire engine, a police car, senior citizens and/or

kids, ideally their own, and a nature scene.

Never, ever vote for anyone who doesn’t promise to “protect our

quality of life.” That’s important. If possible, pick someone who

wants “to make our city [county or state] a better place.” Be wary of

anyone who wants to “make our city [county or state] a worse place.”

That’s a bad thing. Don’t vote for them. And they get extra credit if

they want to “make our city [county or state] a better place to live,

work and raise a family.” Make sure they say that.

Section 1C -- “Selecting a Candidate: Newport Beach, Costa Mesa.”

Each city has its nuances but, again, trust the campaign mail and the

ads. It’s all true.

In Costa Mesa, they have to say something about the Westside. By

now, it doesn’t matter what, as long as they say something. I don’t

care if they want to fix it, change it, leave it alone, move it to

the Eastside, paint it or sell it -- as long as they say something

about it.

In Newport Beach, keep an eye out for two things. First, the

airport. We’ve gotten past the point where it was “all airport, all

the time,” but the airport is still big. I would just pick the

candidate who mentions “airport,” “airports,” or any combination of

“air” and “port” the most times. They get a full point for “John

Wayne Airport,” “JWA,” “El Toro airport,” “El Toro” and “the

airport.” They get half a point for “I need some air,” “I like a

glass of port after dinner,” “a breath of fresh air” and “which is

starboard and which is port?” Foreign language usage, “L’Air du

Temps,” and derivatives -- “Didn’t they just aerate the greens?” --

get a quarter of a point.

Second, never, ever vote for anyone who supports, encourages or

has ever said the word “development,” which is probably the worst

thing that can happen to a city. Once you have development, you have

tax revenues. And once you have tax revenues, you have streets,

schools, libraries, emergency services and recreational facilities.

And once that sets in, it is a downward spiral that cannot be

stopped. You are done, finito, kaput, over-and-out and pretty soon

PCH will be jammed with people streaming out of town with their

belongings strapped to their cars like a scene from “The Grapes of

Wrath.” Most will head north, to Stanton, where a person can live and

breathe free, without any threat of development whatsoever. If you

look at what’s happened to Newport Beach in the last 10 years or so,

one of the most desirable cities in the world has been reduced to

being one of the most desirable cities in the world. Something has to

be done I tell you.

Section 2 -- “Party Affiliation.” Couldn’t be simpler. Republicans

should just vote for “Reagan Republicans.” Only very special

candidates get to call themselves that. And they have to promise to

continue the “Reagan Revolution.” Make sure it says that. Democrats

should only vote for candidates who are “for the people” and against

“business” and “the rich.” If we could just purge this country of

businesses and wealth, we’d be so much better off.

Section 2 -- “Slate Mailers.” These are very informative and they

come from very important organizations. There is the “Policy Issues

Newsletter” slate mailer, the “Conservative Voting Guide” from the

“Non-Partisan Candidate Evaluation Council” and my personal favorite,

the “Save Prop. 13 Voters Guide,” which always has that great picture

of Howard Jarvis shaking his fist at us on the cover. I would have

thought Howard might have lost interest in politics by now,

considering he passed away in 1986, but apparently not.

Here is the key to understanding slate mailers. It’s one word --

“asterisk.” Find the box labeled “Notice to Voters.” Read the last

line: “Appearance is paid for and authorized by each candidate and

ballot measure which is designated by an *.” Now look at the list of

names and ballot measures again. See? Almost every name and measure

on there has an asterisk. Be that as it may, nobody, but nobody, gets

the endorsement of these organizations until their check clears. No

exceptions, not ever, no how. It’s the law.

So there you have it. Everything you need to know about Campaign

2002. If you’ve already voted absentee, you are a good citizen. If

you haven’t, cut out this handbook, take it with you on Tuesday, and

just be grateful this isn’t Florida. I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].