Anyone know what ‘bro/bra’ means?

The important stuff doesn’t worry me. It’s the little things that

keep me up at night -- like not understanding a word or an

expression. It’s silly, I know. But I can’t help it. Last week was

the time, and Newport Beach was the place, for the inaugural OP

Newport Classic -- a surfing competition.

What do I know about surfing? “Not much” would be a major

overstatement. Love to watch it, great sport, incredible skill --

just don’t know anything about it. There was very little surfing in

the Bronx.

But one thing about last week’s OP Newport Classic got my

attention. It was this quote from Alain Mazur, the event’s

spokesperson: “This isn’t secular and this isn’t just for the

bro/bra. It’s for the recreational surfer, the professional surfers,

it’s for the whole gamut.”

Hmm. I’ve rerun that quote in my mind over and over since last

week. Ridiculous, no? With all that’s happening in the world, what

kind of idiot would waste a millisecond on a quote about a surfing

competition? This one.

Let’s review: “This isn’t secular and this isn’t just for the

bro/bra.” I have a strong suspicion that “secular” here doesn’t mean

what I think it does. Are there religious surfing competitions? I

thought they were all secular. Which brings us to “bro/bra.” I don’t

have a clue on this one.

First I thought it might mean “guys and girls,” but that couldn’t

be right since there were both men and women competitors. With a

little homework, I found some other uses of “bro/bra,” none of which

was very helpful. Apparently, in an episode of “Seinfeld,” Kramer

invented something called the “Bro Bra,” which seriously overweight

men could wear while they work out. That is all the detail we need

about that, thank you so much.

There’s also a surfboard accessory called a “Bro Bra” that you

stick on the nose of your board, assuming you have a board, which I

do not. If you, on the other hand, do have a board and want to

protect its nose, you can order the 2002 Dakine “Bro Bra” for $13,

plus tax, which provides the “ultimate board protection from boom

impacts” according to their ad. By the way, if that’s too pricey you

can get the Dakine “Boom Bra” for $11, plus tax, which will “protect

your board from front-end boom impacts,” but apparently not as well

as the “Bro Bra.”

I have no idea what boom impacts are, but it sounds bad, so I

would go ahead and spend the extra two bucks just to be safe.

We can confuse the issue further, which is my job, by studying a

quote from Powder, a skiing magazine, which is something I do know

about, oddly enough. Skiing, that is, not skiing magazines. This

mention was in a letter to the editor about a fatal accident

involving two veteran powder skiers: “Don’t mean to get all bro bra

on everyone, but its nice to see people on the same wavelength

sharing concerns about these types of accidents.” Well, OK then. Now

we’re getting somewhere.

Obviously, “bro bra” is slang for some kind of attitude -- “timid”

or “conservative” or “overly protective” maybe. That still leaves us

high and dry on “This isn’t secular,” but it could explain “and this

isn’t just for the bro/bra.”

And while we’re on the subject of useless information, there was

another word-issue last week that caught my ear and is no less

painful than fingernails on a chalkboard whenever I hear it. It

involved, of all people, our chief executive and the leader of the

free world, who made an important address to the nation last Monday

night.

I am a George Bush supporter. I liked the elder, I like the

younger, and I think he’s doing an excellent job in a near impossible

situation. I thought his Monday night address was excellent, with one

exception.

How is it that an army of aides, advisors, consultants and spin

doctors listened to him rehearse that speech for days, and not one of

them had the nerve to say, “Mr. President, please, don’t say

‘new-q-lar.’ It sounds stupid. It’s ‘new-clee-ar,’ not new-q-lar.”

Worse yet, he said it about a 117 times, “ ... chemical, biological,

and new-q-lar weapons.”

And God knows, he is not alone. I hear it all the time --

“new-q-lar.” Drives me batty. In fact, so does “ree-la-tor.” I heard

a radio spot recently with this tag line: “Call so-and-so ... one

ree-la-tor you can trust.” Oh really. Well if you don’t know how to

pronounce “Realtor,” bud, I’m not about to trust you to be one.

How about “joo-la-ree?” Please. Just say it exactly how it’s

written -- first “jewel” then “ree” -- “jewelry.” How hard is that?

Whew. We’ve come a long way from bro bra. I think we need to turn

back.

So that’s it. If Alain Mazur or any other surfers out there can

straighten out the mystery of the “bro/bra,” please contact me at

your earliest convenience, bro. And whether it’s jewelry or realty,

say it just as it’s written. And don’t invert syllables. It makes me

go “newcleear.”

I gotta go.

* PETER BUFFA is a former Costa Mesa mayor. His column runs

Sundays. He may be reached via e-mail at [email protected].