Duck -- duck -- vamoose

June Casagrande

This is your duck. This is your duck on drugs. This is your duck

being driven to a farm miles away from Newport Beach. This is your

new stink-free Grand Canal. Any questions?

Thursday was D-Day, as City Councilman Steve Bromberg put it: Duck

Day. While about 20 residents, including Bromberg, looked on Thursday

morning, representatives from three government agencies and a private

contractor carried out a coordinated search-and-don’t-destroy mission

to round up about 60 ducks. Their objective: to get the last quack in

an ongoing saga to correct a smelly situation on the Grand Canal.

Here’s how it worked:

Step 1: Slip Donald a mickey: A U.S. Department of Agriculture

official put a mild sedative into some food, then gave it to the

trusting Grand Canal ducks. In no time, all but the three smart

enough to eschew the food were bobbing disorientedly in the water.

Step 2: Swarm. Two city staff members got in one little boat, two

people from Stanton animal-handling firm Safety First got into

another. Working from either end of a small stretch of the canal,

they closed in on the dazed and confused fowl.

Step 3: Duck scoop: They were literally sitting ducks, so it was

hardly sporting for the four guys who easily plucked them out of the

water with nets.

Step 4: Cover your tail. A U.S. Department of Fish and Game

official was on hand to oversee the whole thing, making sure it was

all legal and humane, if not quite kosher.

Step 5: Round up the strays.

Step 6: Admit defeat after the strays -- the only three smart

enough to stay sober -- so effectively evaded capture that all the

herders ended up with was a broken net.

Step 7: Keep them duckies rollin’: Pack the ducks you did catch

into crates, put ‘em on a truck and head east.

Step 8: Smooth ruffled feathers with some old-fashioned spin:

Assure the news media that later in the day all the ducks were in

good condition and good spirits en route to their new San Bernardino

County home.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE covers Newport Beach and John Wayne Airport.

She may be reached at (949) 574-4232 or by e-mail at

[email protected].