Family Time -- Steve Smith

A few years ago author Kurt Vonnegut was credited with a commencement

address that contained such pearls as “always wear sunscreen.” The rest

of the speech could have been taken from the pages of “All I Know I

Learned in Kindergarten.”

The speech got a lot of press, but apparently Vonnegut was nowhere

near the campus when it was made.

In a feeble attempt to match the tone of that famous address, I offer

my own advice to the area’s graduating high school seniors and their

parents.

1. Don’t go to college. In 2002, college may be the most overrated

four years in your lives. College in 2002 is for suckers (see No. 15).

2. Don’t bring your laundry home. Imagine if one day your mom showed

up at your dorm or apartment with half a semi full of dirty clothes. She

then spends all day doing laundry in your machine while raiding the

pantry for food to take with her when she’s done. And all the while she

has her headphones on listening to music.

3. Say “thank you” to your parents and mean it. Most of the kids

reading this owe their parents big time. But nearly all the kids reading

this won’t take 30 seconds to let their parents know how much they

appreciate what they’ve done for them over the past 18 years. And kids,

if you’re not sure, here’s a partial list: They stayed up nights with you

when you were sick, they took you places, they denied themselves many

things to help pay for your future, they did your laundry week after week

while you hung out with friends, and most important of all they helped

you build your California mission in the fourth grade.

4. Put gas in the car. If you’re borrowing someone’s car, bring it

back with more petrol than when you took it. And if you’re borrowing

mom’s car, have it detailed too.

5. Don’t let your auto registration lapse. Those penalties are second

in size only to the IRS. And don’t ask me how I know.

6. Pay cash for everything. I know a guy who’s 30 and has $10,000 in

credit card debt. When I asked him what he had to show for his 10K, he

said, “not much.” But now he will spend years paying it off.

7. Don’t play the windmill hole from the tee. The windmill hole is No.

13 on your local miniature golf course. Don’t get suckered into this one,

just take your ball, walk up close to the revolving blades and chuck your

ball down the chute. Life’s too short to play the windmill hole from the

tee.

8. Never wash the inside of the windshield in your car. I promise you,

it will never be the same.

9. Disconnect your answering machine. Here’s how it works: Anyone who

calls while you’re out will hear the phone ring and ring, or they’ll get

a busy signal. So to reach you, they’ll call back until they do. Without

an answering machine, you have no obligatory calls to return that drive

up your phone bill and you’ll get loads of peace of mind.

10. Send graduation announcements to anyone and everyone. It’s a cool

deal. You send this little card to people who hardly know you, and they

send you money! Try going through the phone book too. Pick some names at

random and send one of those little cards. Maybe you can use the extra

money to help my pal pay down his credit card debt.

11. Change your oil every 3,000 miles.

12. If you see anyone wearing a belt and suspenders, cross the street.

13. Don’t drive to the global warming protest meeting in your SUV.

14. When you have kids, never make fun of anyone else’s kids if

they’re older than your own.

15. Don’t get married before you’re 30. Divorce rates drop sharply as

couples wait longer to get married. Get the other stuff out of your

system first. Visit St. Petersburg. Invent something. Start a business.

Fail at a business (it’s OK -- some of the most successful people in

business learned what not to do by failing first). Sleep in on Sundays.

And when you do get married, make sure your spouse likes to sleep in on

Sunday.

16. Don’t have kids. Unless you don’t ever want to sleep in on

Sundays.

That’s it, seniors. Now go take on the world. And don’t come back

until you’ve discovered why diapers and airline fares are all always on

sale at the same time at exactly the same prices.

* STEVE SMITH is a Costa Mesa resident and freelance writer. Readers

may leave a message for him on the Daily Pilot hotline at (949) 642-6086.